My Eternal Appalachian Home
High up above these mountains,
where time stands still
in the silence of snow.
I will float on in notes.
My melody will meld
with that of the forest
and become a deafening roar
that rolls down the valley below.
And the rhododendrons
will turn in bloom to listen
and the giant oaks,
that strain against valley floors
to catch a glimpse of the sun,
will chime in unison with my song.
The pines will weep
tears of tar and joy,
and the hemlocks
and other evergreens,
steadfast in their own schedule,
will hold my note
when it becomes but a winter whisper.
And as the clouds roll in
to make islands of these mountains
and the silence of snow
sings it’s own song
I will float on in notes.
Held above the hills
gathering like a flock
waiting for springs warmth
to fill the valleys with music,
a millennia of melodies
-----Daniel Perry, My Eternal Appalachian Home, February 2009
This is a poem that my son Daniel wrote. I think it's incredibly beautiful. I'm going to print it out and hang it up on my refrigerator, like I did when he was little and still at home with me. When I read it, I feel close to him. And I feel the pull of those mountains that are so much a part of the people that we are.
Peace all. Love to my folks. Love to my mountains and all the folks there that I miss so much.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Father's Special Way
I like to think back now and then to days when I was small.
When I bring back memories, so many good times I recall.
I always see your smiling face, watching me as I'd grow
And as I look ahead in life, I know your love will never go.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my blues away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I think of Christmas mornins when you played ole Santa Claus.
Of all my hardest struggles when you loved me just because.
I know I wasn't easy with all my growin' pains
But nothing seems important now to this love that I have gained.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I'm gettin' older now with children of my own.
I know that I'll be good for them with the parents that I have known.
And when my heart feels heavy or I think my life's all wrong,
I simply think of you and Mom and with strength I carry on.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
Your hand is always holdin' mine in a father's special way.
-----Yours truly, A Father's Special Way, circa 1987
This is a song that I wrote for my dad when my son Daniel was just a little fellow. Jacob wasn't even here yet! (I've revised the words some from its original version). I remember singing this at my church on Father's Day when my parents were visiting. I had a tape of it that I gave to my dad for Father's Day, and I remember how honored I was that I could sing it to him at my little country church in the mountains.
Peace.
When I bring back memories, so many good times I recall.
I always see your smiling face, watching me as I'd grow
And as I look ahead in life, I know your love will never go.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my blues away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I think of Christmas mornins when you played ole Santa Claus.
Of all my hardest struggles when you loved me just because.
I know I wasn't easy with all my growin' pains
But nothing seems important now to this love that I have gained.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I'm gettin' older now with children of my own.
I know that I'll be good for them with the parents that I have known.
And when my heart feels heavy or I think my life's all wrong,
I simply think of you and Mom and with strength I carry on.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
Your hand is always holdin' mine in a father's special way.
-----Yours truly, A Father's Special Way, circa 1987
This is a song that I wrote for my dad when my son Daniel was just a little fellow. Jacob wasn't even here yet! (I've revised the words some from its original version). I remember singing this at my church on Father's Day when my parents were visiting. I had a tape of it that I gave to my dad for Father's Day, and I remember how honored I was that I could sing it to him at my little country church in the mountains.
Peace.
"I keep going back to the music......."
"I keep going back to the music. All those notes. I keep thinking about all those notes and how they line up. How they work together. It's important to pay attention. You've got to pay attention to all those little notes because if you don't pay attention, they'll pass you by. (Big sigh). There's a lot of love in those notes. A lot of love........"
-----My father, the weekend he was diagnosed with cancer
-----My father, the weekend he was diagnosed with cancer
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My father.......
My father has been diagnosed with cancer in his brain. Two large tumors. They believe that the tumors will probably take him from us soon. Not much time to prepare, but time enough only to love. Time enough only to understand how precious every minute has become.
My father is a beautiful, loving man. Kind. Happy. Open. He's never known a stranger. And so he remains. There are blessings to be found, even in the midst of this sadness that feels so heavy in my heart. He has no pain. And so he is, and we are, spared the agony that so many must endure. He has a hard time processing things now and an even harder time keeping things in his mind. That change came about so quickly. He was a bit forgetful and then suddenly, a part of his mind disconnected from the others. And so he is not anxious or worried or disheartened. All weekend in the hospital, he smiled at everyone who came in the door. He thanked every single person he came in contact with - from the neurologist and the oncologists to the housekeeping folks and the guy who brought his lunch. He looked at each person, sought out their eyes, and when he made eye contact he smiled broadly, said "how are you doing today?", and thanked them for their help. If they were within reach, he touched them. That's my dad.
That's where so much of me comes from.
I don't know how I will do this part of life. I'm not sure how it goes. Do you know what I mean? I know that I am strong and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through this and we'll all be alright. But I just don't know HOW. I am surrounded by so much love, it's almost as if I could pull it up over me and wrap myself inside of it, like a blanket. I think of how many people don't have that. I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful. Gratitude is filling me up these past few days. I was grateful for the beautiful warm day on Sunday. I was grateful for my brothers and sisters and the way we all agreed on my father's care and supported my mom in her decisions. No fighting. A united family. And gratitude spills over into my spirit and rolls down my cheeks in glittering tears. I am so grateful for all these years that I've had with my dad, many I thought I wouldn't. I am so grateful to have celebrated my dad's eightieth birthday with him.
When I had to leave on Sunday to come back to the Eastern Shore, I thought that my heart was going to break open. There are no words for how I felt. I know my mom understood because she felt that way so many times when she had to leave her own mom and dad in New Jersey and pull out of the driveway to head back to North Carolina. My mom's understanding helped me. I couldn't speak as we turned onto US 1. Scott drove. He didn't speak. He didn't make me speak. He just held my hand and listened to the songs I played on the car stereo - one of the ways I cry. And I was so grateful for that warm hand to hold. And the ability to cry in my strange way of crying - singing songs that speak for me.
In the days ahead, the tears of gratitude will be sweet grace, and angels will be all around me and my family, and especially my father. The angels know him well. He is one of them.
Peace all.
PS - If you can, hug your father today with love and intention. If you can't, hug your kid instead. And if you can't do either - hug a complete stranger in honor of the people who brought you into this world.
My father is a beautiful, loving man. Kind. Happy. Open. He's never known a stranger. And so he remains. There are blessings to be found, even in the midst of this sadness that feels so heavy in my heart. He has no pain. And so he is, and we are, spared the agony that so many must endure. He has a hard time processing things now and an even harder time keeping things in his mind. That change came about so quickly. He was a bit forgetful and then suddenly, a part of his mind disconnected from the others. And so he is not anxious or worried or disheartened. All weekend in the hospital, he smiled at everyone who came in the door. He thanked every single person he came in contact with - from the neurologist and the oncologists to the housekeeping folks and the guy who brought his lunch. He looked at each person, sought out their eyes, and when he made eye contact he smiled broadly, said "how are you doing today?", and thanked them for their help. If they were within reach, he touched them. That's my dad.
That's where so much of me comes from.
I don't know how I will do this part of life. I'm not sure how it goes. Do you know what I mean? I know that I am strong and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through this and we'll all be alright. But I just don't know HOW. I am surrounded by so much love, it's almost as if I could pull it up over me and wrap myself inside of it, like a blanket. I think of how many people don't have that. I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful. Gratitude is filling me up these past few days. I was grateful for the beautiful warm day on Sunday. I was grateful for my brothers and sisters and the way we all agreed on my father's care and supported my mom in her decisions. No fighting. A united family. And gratitude spills over into my spirit and rolls down my cheeks in glittering tears. I am so grateful for all these years that I've had with my dad, many I thought I wouldn't. I am so grateful to have celebrated my dad's eightieth birthday with him.
When I had to leave on Sunday to come back to the Eastern Shore, I thought that my heart was going to break open. There are no words for how I felt. I know my mom understood because she felt that way so many times when she had to leave her own mom and dad in New Jersey and pull out of the driveway to head back to North Carolina. My mom's understanding helped me. I couldn't speak as we turned onto US 1. Scott drove. He didn't speak. He didn't make me speak. He just held my hand and listened to the songs I played on the car stereo - one of the ways I cry. And I was so grateful for that warm hand to hold. And the ability to cry in my strange way of crying - singing songs that speak for me.
In the days ahead, the tears of gratitude will be sweet grace, and angels will be all around me and my family, and especially my father. The angels know him well. He is one of them.
Peace all.
PS - If you can, hug your father today with love and intention. If you can't, hug your kid instead. And if you can't do either - hug a complete stranger in honor of the people who brought you into this world.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Surviving the Winter......
Ah, it's that time of year again! Here we go! It's the start of a week of celebrating and connecting and laughing and singing and playing and eating and sleeping late....... it's how I survive the winter. I'll explain:
Twelve or thirteen years ago, I decided that what my winter needed was some kind of event to mark that I was half way through the winter, to celebrate winter's passing, to ease the weariness and the post-holiday let-down, to give me a little boost before wading into the muck and deep and dark of the longest month of the year - February. I struggle through winter most years. And by the time February comes around I am so weary of the winter. I am tired of hibernating, I am tired of cold, I am tired of dark evenings and I am especially tired of that winter blue, which is the heaviest blue of all.
So I started having this annual "event" back in about 1996. The first couple of years it was very small. Mostly a small group of women friends, we got together for an evening party and danced and ate and sang and talked and laughed and drank a bit too much! In essence, we had a blast! Then I bought my house in Morganton. It is a great house and it has a lot of room. So sometime around 1998 or 1999, the party started its metamorphosis into a weekend long event.
I go to a music school every summer called the Swannanoa Gathering. This past summer was my 12th or 13th year!! There's a whole group of us, all singer-songwriters, who attend the Gathering every summer. It's like a cross between a family reunion, a summer camp, and a huge week-long jam session, with a couple of classes with some of our heroes thrown in for good measure. The Swannanoa Gathering changed my entire life. Really it did. (But that is a whole 'nother story!!) After my first year or two at the Gathering, I decided I didn't want to go a whole year without seeing my friends there, my partners in crime again. So I started inviting all of them to the winter get-together. The music soon took over the event and became its focus!
So next weekend is THE weekend. The Annual Surviving the Winter Party. Tim's coming from Minnesota (I haven't heard from Karl yet), Jon from Rhode Island and Phyllis from South Carolina. JC from Charlotte and Mary Gordon from Charlottesville. Mike from Roanoke, Greg from Salem, Allen from Asheville. And of course Daniel and Jacob will both be there. Bobbi and Steve are coming. So it's a celebration with everything I love right there with me! Only thing missing is my folks!! My sons, my best friends, good food, good fun and music music music!
Celebrations, however, start tonight. Jacob is 21 tomorrow. Tonight he's having a huge triple keg party! I've been invited! (Hell yes I'm going!! Think I'd miss this!) I haven't been to a college keg party in........... let's just say it's been a long time. Tomorrow all my brothers and sisters and a bunch of the nieces and nephews are getting together to celebrate January birthdays (Jacob's, mine, Tim's). I'm off on Monday and will head back to the Eastern Shore then. I only work two days and then I'm off again! (I sure do love vacation days!). Tim from Minnesota and Phyllis from South Carolina will be here Thursday, the rest of the crowd Friday.
For all you folks on the Eastern Shore, we're doing a concert at the Blarney Stone on Friday night, the 16th. Come on out! If you like original music, you'll love this group of friends! It's a way to celebrate! It's a way to Survive the Winter. And you can come and celebrate anything you want. I'm celebrating the reunion of a group of folks I love deeply! And we all need something to celebrate before we head into February! It'll make you smile!
Hope to see you there!
Peace.
Twelve or thirteen years ago, I decided that what my winter needed was some kind of event to mark that I was half way through the winter, to celebrate winter's passing, to ease the weariness and the post-holiday let-down, to give me a little boost before wading into the muck and deep and dark of the longest month of the year - February. I struggle through winter most years. And by the time February comes around I am so weary of the winter. I am tired of hibernating, I am tired of cold, I am tired of dark evenings and I am especially tired of that winter blue, which is the heaviest blue of all.
So I started having this annual "event" back in about 1996. The first couple of years it was very small. Mostly a small group of women friends, we got together for an evening party and danced and ate and sang and talked and laughed and drank a bit too much! In essence, we had a blast! Then I bought my house in Morganton. It is a great house and it has a lot of room. So sometime around 1998 or 1999, the party started its metamorphosis into a weekend long event.
I go to a music school every summer called the Swannanoa Gathering. This past summer was my 12th or 13th year!! There's a whole group of us, all singer-songwriters, who attend the Gathering every summer. It's like a cross between a family reunion, a summer camp, and a huge week-long jam session, with a couple of classes with some of our heroes thrown in for good measure. The Swannanoa Gathering changed my entire life. Really it did. (But that is a whole 'nother story!!) After my first year or two at the Gathering, I decided I didn't want to go a whole year without seeing my friends there, my partners in crime again. So I started inviting all of them to the winter get-together. The music soon took over the event and became its focus!
So next weekend is THE weekend. The Annual Surviving the Winter Party. Tim's coming from Minnesota (I haven't heard from Karl yet), Jon from Rhode Island and Phyllis from South Carolina. JC from Charlotte and Mary Gordon from Charlottesville. Mike from Roanoke, Greg from Salem, Allen from Asheville. And of course Daniel and Jacob will both be there. Bobbi and Steve are coming. So it's a celebration with everything I love right there with me! Only thing missing is my folks!! My sons, my best friends, good food, good fun and music music music!
Celebrations, however, start tonight. Jacob is 21 tomorrow. Tonight he's having a huge triple keg party! I've been invited! (Hell yes I'm going!! Think I'd miss this!) I haven't been to a college keg party in........... let's just say it's been a long time. Tomorrow all my brothers and sisters and a bunch of the nieces and nephews are getting together to celebrate January birthdays (Jacob's, mine, Tim's). I'm off on Monday and will head back to the Eastern Shore then. I only work two days and then I'm off again! (I sure do love vacation days!). Tim from Minnesota and Phyllis from South Carolina will be here Thursday, the rest of the crowd Friday.
For all you folks on the Eastern Shore, we're doing a concert at the Blarney Stone on Friday night, the 16th. Come on out! If you like original music, you'll love this group of friends! It's a way to celebrate! It's a way to Survive the Winter. And you can come and celebrate anything you want. I'm celebrating the reunion of a group of folks I love deeply! And we all need something to celebrate before we head into February! It'll make you smile!
Hope to see you there!
Peace.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New Years Resolutions - again!!
I made the obligatory list of New Year's Resolutions again this year. But with much more good intention than in years past. I mean, I really want to do these things! Really I do! It's just that.......
So eight days into the New Year I'll give you a current scoring on how I'm doing:
1. Drink more water. Score - fair. I've had water every day so far this new year. Just not a lot of it on most days as is my intent. But better than no water at all.
2. Drink only one Diet Dr. Pepper a day. Score - ah well, not so good. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to 'em. They are my main source of caffeine. And I just love the fizz and the taste and the little Diet Dr. Pepper buzz. So I had one day so far I had none, two days I had only one and the other days I had the two I'd cut back to last year........ I'll just keep trying.
3. Walk. Score - zippo. But it's been raining and stuff. (I know I know!! Excuses excuses!)
4. Talk to my kids every day. Score - good but I want it to be great. I waiver between wanting to talk to them every day and not wanting to intrude on their lives. It's funny - they never ever seem to mind when I call. And if they're busy, they either talk quickly or they let me speak to their voice mail. So I'm not sure why I worry about it. I like talking to them every day. They like talking to me every day. So as the old/new saying goes - just do it!
5. Play out (do more gigs). Score - good. Scott and I played at First Wednesday last night. I had such anxiety beforehand. Driving the short distance from Willis Wharf to the Great Machipongo Clam Shack - I just felt like I was going to puke! It was terrible. Scott's presence and smiling face helped so much. I just stepped into a small circle of light with him in it and asked for a bubble of protection from any bad feelings that might be sent our way. And you know - like my friend Cindy always told me - if you need it, you got to ask the universe for it and the universe will provide! And it did! (I asked God. Thanks, Sir.) So we played and it felt good once I got started and got past the nerves. I knew at some point in time I would have to confront those feelings and those demons and, in the end, the worst of the demons left before I ever sang and the biggest of the demons got very small and quiet then left. So I will try to keep this resolution and just get out there and play. Sing. Play with Scott. Play with Hungar's Creek Bluegrass band sometimes. Play solo. Stop being afraid.
6. Do the Upper Room daily devotional thing. Score - less than fair but not a complete failure! I didn't get the book until Sunday. So I did five days worth in one day. Now I'm a couple of days behind again. I'll get there. Or at least I think I will.
7. Fast from sunrise till sundown on Thursdays. Score - we've only had two Thursdays so far in 2009; the first was the 1st and a holiday you know so no fasting that day, and then today, I literally just forgot and ate a big breakfast which is another New Year's resolution!! Crap!! I can be such a ditz sometimes! New Year's resolutions are tough on those of us with perimenopausal brains. Guess I'll need to put a note on my front door or on the kitchen counter to remind myself that I'm planning on fasting on Thursdays. It's a spiritual exercise and one to remind me of what I have and others have not - just in case you were wondering.
8. Write - more songs, more poetry, journal, blog!! Score - well, that depends. I'm not sure if it counts if I write only in my own head. I've got at least six songs going on in there right now and a couple of poems. I think probably I need to count it when it makes it to the outside world! This whole part of a song came to me last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Just started forming its little self inside my brain and taking shape right there before my tired eyes. And I still remember it this morning. So I'd best get to work on it with a guitar in hand!! This is the first time I've written anything on the blog this year - not so swift on that score. And my journal (s) are out and waiting patiently. Just need to........ you know the drill - laundry, supper, dishes, play some tunes, practice the banjo, practice the mandolin, knit........... I forget. Or I just run out of time!
My other New Year's resolutions either have components not applicable yet (like planting lots of flowers in my yard this spring and summer) or are too soon to tell (like go visit my parents at least once a month and call them at least once, if not twice, a week - the calling I've got a superior rating on so far and I'm headed to Raleigh this weekend so..... so far, so good!).
And the resolutions about my diet - learn how to eat breakfast, eat more grains and fruits and vegetables, yada yada - I'll just have to take that a little at a time. (Yes, yada yada is actually one of my many New Year's Resolutions!)
9. I think the softest New Year's Resolution I made and probably the easiest and then maybe the hardest is to love Scott with a love that just flows......... Score so far - 100%. He makes it easy. He is a source of great joy to me. And when I am in the center of my peace, he is there, too. It's my greatest hope for 2009 that we continue to just flow - strong, steady, easy.
Peace.
So eight days into the New Year I'll give you a current scoring on how I'm doing:
1. Drink more water. Score - fair. I've had water every day so far this new year. Just not a lot of it on most days as is my intent. But better than no water at all.
2. Drink only one Diet Dr. Pepper a day. Score - ah well, not so good. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to 'em. They are my main source of caffeine. And I just love the fizz and the taste and the little Diet Dr. Pepper buzz. So I had one day so far I had none, two days I had only one and the other days I had the two I'd cut back to last year........ I'll just keep trying.
3. Walk. Score - zippo. But it's been raining and stuff. (I know I know!! Excuses excuses!)
4. Talk to my kids every day. Score - good but I want it to be great. I waiver between wanting to talk to them every day and not wanting to intrude on their lives. It's funny - they never ever seem to mind when I call. And if they're busy, they either talk quickly or they let me speak to their voice mail. So I'm not sure why I worry about it. I like talking to them every day. They like talking to me every day. So as the old/new saying goes - just do it!
5. Play out (do more gigs). Score - good. Scott and I played at First Wednesday last night. I had such anxiety beforehand. Driving the short distance from Willis Wharf to the Great Machipongo Clam Shack - I just felt like I was going to puke! It was terrible. Scott's presence and smiling face helped so much. I just stepped into a small circle of light with him in it and asked for a bubble of protection from any bad feelings that might be sent our way. And you know - like my friend Cindy always told me - if you need it, you got to ask the universe for it and the universe will provide! And it did! (I asked God. Thanks, Sir.) So we played and it felt good once I got started and got past the nerves. I knew at some point in time I would have to confront those feelings and those demons and, in the end, the worst of the demons left before I ever sang and the biggest of the demons got very small and quiet then left. So I will try to keep this resolution and just get out there and play. Sing. Play with Scott. Play with Hungar's Creek Bluegrass band sometimes. Play solo. Stop being afraid.
6. Do the Upper Room daily devotional thing. Score - less than fair but not a complete failure! I didn't get the book until Sunday. So I did five days worth in one day. Now I'm a couple of days behind again. I'll get there. Or at least I think I will.
7. Fast from sunrise till sundown on Thursdays. Score - we've only had two Thursdays so far in 2009; the first was the 1st and a holiday you know so no fasting that day, and then today, I literally just forgot and ate a big breakfast which is another New Year's resolution!! Crap!! I can be such a ditz sometimes! New Year's resolutions are tough on those of us with perimenopausal brains. Guess I'll need to put a note on my front door or on the kitchen counter to remind myself that I'm planning on fasting on Thursdays. It's a spiritual exercise and one to remind me of what I have and others have not - just in case you were wondering.
8. Write - more songs, more poetry, journal, blog!! Score - well, that depends. I'm not sure if it counts if I write only in my own head. I've got at least six songs going on in there right now and a couple of poems. I think probably I need to count it when it makes it to the outside world! This whole part of a song came to me last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Just started forming its little self inside my brain and taking shape right there before my tired eyes. And I still remember it this morning. So I'd best get to work on it with a guitar in hand!! This is the first time I've written anything on the blog this year - not so swift on that score. And my journal (s) are out and waiting patiently. Just need to........ you know the drill - laundry, supper, dishes, play some tunes, practice the banjo, practice the mandolin, knit........... I forget. Or I just run out of time!
My other New Year's resolutions either have components not applicable yet (like planting lots of flowers in my yard this spring and summer) or are too soon to tell (like go visit my parents at least once a month and call them at least once, if not twice, a week - the calling I've got a superior rating on so far and I'm headed to Raleigh this weekend so..... so far, so good!).
And the resolutions about my diet - learn how to eat breakfast, eat more grains and fruits and vegetables, yada yada - I'll just have to take that a little at a time. (Yes, yada yada is actually one of my many New Year's Resolutions!)
9. I think the softest New Year's Resolution I made and probably the easiest and then maybe the hardest is to love Scott with a love that just flows......... Score so far - 100%. He makes it easy. He is a source of great joy to me. And when I am in the center of my peace, he is there, too. It's my greatest hope for 2009 that we continue to just flow - strong, steady, easy.
Peace.
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