It's amazing sometimes how profound things can come to you in small ways. How big realizations sometimes are actually the smallest of things. My mind has been working in fits and starts lately - sometimes so overly active I can hardly stand it, and other times in a dreamy, sleepy haze. It's funny to me that I've had some startling revelations in those dreamy, hazy hours.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that really matter. In the end, does anything really matter at all? In this crazy world, in the frenzy of this life-long dance, are there things that matter the most? Should I be focusing on those things? Should I be setting aside my worries about all those other things that might not matter at all?
I'm realizing that the answers to those questions - for me - are "yes", "yes", "yes" and "yes"!! I catch myself some days, worrying about things that seem so big to me and so important - those are days when my mind is most likely working too hard and spinning like a top on a slick surface. When I slow down, breath deep, wipe away the tears of anxiety, and let go - let myself drift - I see how small they are sometimes, or I see that I am not connecting to what is most important.
So what is important? I've been learning, and will continue to learn I'm sure - that "things" are not very important at all. "Possessions" can be lost so quickly. My most powerful lesson in this regard came when I lost my house in Morganton. I actually didn't lose it. I had to sell it to keep from losing it. It was my first house. I worked my ass off to save the down payment, to pay the second mortgage off in two years, to paint and fix and claim that house as my own. In the end, I had to sell her and let her go. It hurt. And I grieved over that for a long time - but, in the end, I still have shelter. I still have a home. I am still the person that I've always been.
I've squandered a small fortune in the past ten years on "things". I wish I hadn't but I did. I am seeing that the THINGS that are important are minimal - it is the love of family that is important; the ties that bind, the links that stay no matter the time, the conflict - those that you love because they are your history, part of the blood that pulses through you and keeps you alive.
I see, too, that it is the strength and sheer power of faith and hope that can sustain us through trial after trial after trial. The love we have for God, the love we have for one another, the love God has for us. We hold it dear, carry it like a shield, and are brave enough to continue on.
The ability to share the sweetness of laughter and the salt-water relief of tears are incredibly vital - if you doubt that, sit down and talk for awhile with someone who has lost the ability to cry! it's a dreadful thing to lose.
The sound of music is important. Music matters - the notes that touch the very soul then resonate and vibrate inside long after the notes have faded and silence or chatter have taken their place. Where would I be without my music? Where would any of us be? Almost all of us have it - and if we don't, someone should help us find it, it is so important, music is. Rap, pop, opera, funk, punk, rock, bop, jazz, reggae, folk, fast, slow, full, sparse - it doesn't matter the type really - we are all called and touched by some form of it. We are all followed by an ongoing soundtrack. It rings in us. It defines us in ways that nothing else can.
Having someone in your life with whom you are truly and powerfully connected - ah!! that's something worth fighting for, something worth seeking. I've learned that it doesn't have to be a lover or a sweetheart (though the touch of a lover or the kiss of a sweetheart reaches a part of the heart that only the lover can). What is important is the connection - strong, true, right, powerful - a dear friend, a beloved child, a cherished sister or brother - those connections will hold you up when darkness comes. Those connections will sit at your side and never leave. Those connections carry a part of your very essence that will continue on long after you're gone.
By way of the things that matter, I am learning how beautiful the world can be. I remember the wonderful years when my children were small, when I saw the world through their eyes, when I saw the world again with the eyes of a child. And it was so beautiful, so amazing, so full of wonder. I am seeing the world in that way again in recent months. Seeing so many beautiful things. I have been spending a lot of time with a man who has a sweet, gentle, tender spirit. I watch him watching the world. I see the look of wonder on his face when he looks at the world as a child would. I follow his gaze and then follow his example, and the beauty is so clear and evident to me. It is such a joy to see and feel beauty like that again - hummingbirds and butterflies and my cat stalking a bug in the grass; the invisible movement of the Spirit through one person to another when the choir sings; the pink and purple glow that precedes the sunrise and follows the sunset.
I think being able to SEE like that - I think that matters, too. While the candidates roar and rage about one another, spouting out about how good, the one and bad, the other; when the economy continues to crash and burn; when murder and suicide attack right down the street and lay claim to someone I might have just seen yesterday; when drugs and alcohol eat away at the lives of people that I love and I am powerless to stop the decimation - oh, I believe, in my childlike heart, that being able to smile at the sweetness in the brown eyes of my dog Baby or marvel at the rush of joy I feel slipping my hand inside another's; I believe seeing and feeling the little pieces of beauty and grace all around - those things matter. Those things will save us somehow.
Peace.
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