Catching up.....

I haven't been able to post anything for several days now. Between my poor lame computer at home (with dial up!) and blocks on computers at work (and they come and go, those blocks do - it's the strangest thing. Maybe blog posting is only allowed on Tuesdays and Thursdays), I haven't been able to write anything since last week.

I am definitely a mammal. My whole being has slowed down to a crawl. I want to sleep. I want to eat lots of chocolate, french fries, butter, bread, pasta, fattening stuff and then just curl up in a warm cave somewhere and sleep until the sun is warm again and the wind has died down. Unfortunately, I don't think my boss would look favorably on a request to take a leave of absence for the winter to hibernate!

So I've been hibernating in other ways. Just staying home, staying in, being quiet, listening to Windham Hill's Winter Solstice CD (the first Winter Solstice is the best), listening to books on tape, knitting, knitting, knitting. I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome from all the knitting. Ah, but there is such great peace in it. I count while I knit. Pretty much mindless counting most of the time as it has little to do with the knitting project itself. It's just counting. I used to always count when I went up and down stairs (still do sometimes when I'm stressed). I'd count the steps off in series of five and try to land on a five (which meant sometimes that you had to step on a step twice, or you might have to skip a step). Do other people do little quirky, strange things like that?

Had a day of sadness yesterday. Just kind of a "in-the-bone" sadness. Went to bed with it last night and left it there this morning. That sadness wanted me to stay there in bed all day, but there is work to be done, so I left that sadness sleeping there, hoping she'd decide to stay there rather than seek me out for a second day. Sadness has been one of my companions since I was about thirteen or so. She never seems to be far away, though she visits me less frequently and doesn't stay as long these days. She doesn't make me crazy like she used to. She just sits in my room and is just there. I don't devil her anymore and try to force her out - she leaves on her own accord, in her own good time. I just let her be. She comes and goes. I've come to terms with her.

I saw a beautiful bird this morning, out at the feeders. I don't know what kind of bird he was, but he was so beautiful with stripes of blue and white and navy. And he was singing. I could hear him through the window. The wind was roaring and all the bird feeders were swinging and swaying back and forth - and there was that little bird, with all his beautiful feathers, singing his heart out. "For the sake of the song" my friend Freddy calls that.

Best get to work. I had many profound things to say today, but perimenopause seems to have made my brain a little crooked!! I'll remember them later, I'm sure. Will let you know if I do!
Peace.