"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside sombody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you, too."
-----Frederick Buechner

I'm alright, Chickabee.....

It's been too late getting home. And you know how I am about calling late. Are you alright, too? The weekend's coming. Then I can hear your voice and tell you about my week and hear all about yours. It's amazing how just the talking across a long distance wire can close the miles between me on the Eastern Shore and you, there in the beautiful mountains.

This working for a living is a hard road sometimes, ain't it?! And my mind is so full that I can't hardly slow it down to sleep. You know how I can get when I get a thing or a song or a person in (on) my mind. But don't worry about me, my friend. If there was anything needin' worryin' over, you'd be the first to know.

Love,
the little thunderstorm

My Own Private Obsession

In the dazzling dance of my own mind
You have become my own private obsession.
Sometimes tiny and fragile, like a bird
Caught inside the small screened porch.
I move from corner to corner
Trying not to frighten
Wanting to set you free
To see you soar up and out of sight
To hear you singing with joy and relief.
Sometimes you are as beautiful as a spring dawn
New and full of hope eternal, hope renewed
Asking only for eyes to gaze at you
Awe-struck and silent.
I gaze and I gaze and you are
More beautiful the longer I stare at the turns
of your hills and valleys,
your Life-worn face.
Sometimes you are the fleeting glimpse,
The corner-of-the-eye,
The slight of hand.
Here then gone then back again.
I don't know what to do with you.
I hide you inside the arch of my back,
The catch of my breath,
Or the ache of my skin.
You, my own quiet obsession,
My stranger, my mystery.
My lover once-removed.
Distant cousin to loneliness.
Obsessed as the obsessor.
Obsessed like me.

I send this to you (no! not him! no! not her!!You!)

"Hope is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all."
-----Emily Dickenson

Age.......

"Age only matters if you're a cheese." Helen Hayes

Or a whine. Oh, sorry, I mean WINE.

I was watching one of the docs here at the big house (the hospital) reading a stock analysis on the computer in the call room. He was right up, nose-to-nose with the computer. He, literally, almost had his forehead pressed against the computer glass. And I laughed and told him to put on his glasses! This lead to a brief discussion about the ways that age affects us. The most obvious and common being in the eyes. And around the eyes, too!

I had just had a very similiar discussion with one of the nurses because I was trying to read something in small print and just couldn't do it! I was saying the same thing to myself that I said to the doc - wear your glasses! I mean, for goodness sake, just put the things on! I don't wear my glasses like I ought to. They drive me crazy. And I'm constantly taking them off, putting them on, taking them off. And I refuse!!!! absolutely refuse!!! to wear one of those chains around my neck! We started talking about the things that change with age. We talked about failing eyesight and aching hips and knees; short-term memory loss and diminished stamina; decreasing appetite but increasing weight (especially around the middle); less tolerance to hot and cold; different patterns of sleeping and dreaming. It all starts to change - and just when you finally have gotten used to it!

But there are other things that come with age in which I'm finding great comfort and some peacefulness. I actually like the gray hair. I don't have much yet, and maybe it'll be different if I start to go completely white - but I like each one I have already. I feel like I've earned them - like I could name each one after a trial or tribulation, a lost love, a broken friendship, a fight with a brother or sister or parent or child, a long night of worry, or a morning of hope. I think there is wisdom coming to me now, in little bits. There are things that I know I've learned, mistakes that I won't make again. For me, there is great comfort in that. I feel less need as time goes on. Less need. What a gift! Less need.

I am sometimes taken aback by the wrinkles around my eyes and around my mouth. Between my eyebrows, too! But I see the traces of many smiles, many moments filled with laughter, moments of deep concentration, and moments filled with tears. My friend Cindy's mom Lilian has one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen - lined with the years of her life, surrounded by a halo of pure white hair. I love her face. I like my own wrinkles, even when they startle me, because they tell my story, outright.

The greatest thing about this aging stuff, though, has been the way it makes me appreciate so many things in my life. The older I get, the more grateful I become. The older I get, the more beauty I see in this world. Things become more dear, because, I think, the realization starts to sink in that nothing is forever. That we are all just tiny, simple snippets of time and energy in a complex world that has gone on for longer than our minds can understand. And will go on when we are gone from here. Life becomes so precious. Love becomes so tender, so cherished. I feel such a deep and profound gratitude for the love that weaves through my life - my parents, my children, my sisters and brothers, my wonderful friends who have saved my life. And the love that flows through the music in my life - my own personal soundtrack, constant, pure, sung and unsung, heard and unheard.

I think that I will be a fine wine. That I will continue to mellow with age and sweeten with time.

Plus I like, so much more, to think of myself as a beautiful golden chardonnay or a deep purple merlot than a hunk of bleu!! Don't you?

Peace peace and more peace.

Placed on my heart............

I have heard people say before, "God placed you on my heart." I never really understood that before. But now I understand it clearly because it has happened to me. God has placed you on my heart. And you are constant in my thoughts. I think about you almost without stopping, like I do my own children or my parents or my closest friends.

But in a different way. I think about you and I think about the sadness that surrounds you. I see it in your countenance and I hear it, just the slightest tinge, in your voice. And I want to wrap my heart around it and ease it for you, or just take it and carry it for you.

I don't even know you well at all. I know almost nothing about you. You are a stranger in my heart, and yet God has placed you there for a reason. I don't even know what to do with these feelings. How do I reach out to someone who is a stranger? How do I cross the gap, continuing to appear normal and like I know what I am doing when I don't have the slightest idea what I am doing? How do I know what I can do to offer you compassion, comfort, love?

I know now that God has done this to me before - I just didn't realize it. There have been women I've seen in my practice, who I've grown especially close to, who stayed on my mind, who I worried about and thought about all the time and wanted to give them all the love that I can muster - all the love that a stranger can offer to another. It is a strange thing. And there have been friends of my children with whom I've wanted to do that same thing - take them in, hold them close, love them without ceasing, ease some of the sadness that circles around them like a halo, an aura, a moat.

Is it my own sadness that connects with yours? Are we kindred spirits? Does that part of me recognize that part of you?

I don't know the answer. I only know that God has placed you on my heart. I see your face whenever I close my eyes. I look for you everywhere I go, just to have the chance to offer you a smile. I lie awake in the night and wonder what I am supposed to do, if anything.

This morning, a small answer came to me as I sipped coffee in the early morning chill - I need to pray. And so I did. Paul told us to pray without ceasing. Perhaps that is a way to love without ceasing. Perhaps that is a way to love. I pray for you.

I send a wish to you - through magic and spirit - that you might know that there is a person here in this world, a stranger, who prays for you, and loves you without understanding why, it is just there. And it asks nothing in return, there is nothing you need to do. It just is.

Peace.

Dear Eliza.....

I am sending you this medal, dear Eliza.

They have cited me for bravery in the field.

And, oh I so believed I fight for freedom

I carried my truth like a shield.

But I've seen my brothers die, Eliza,

By hands that held our babes before the war

And I hear their mothers cry as I lay sleeping

And I don't want this medal anymore.

Can you hear the sound, Eliza?

Of the sad goose leading winter home.

I button up my coat and I hang my head down low

With the greatest kind of sorrow I have known.

I am sending you my heart, dear Eliza.

It's as broken as the man that holds it in.

And, though I make it home to your sweet love,

I don't think I'll be using it again.

There is so much I have lost, my own Eliza.

I've forgotten all the beauty in your sweet face.

Will we ever know the cost that we are paying

When we forget the ways of mercy and Heaven's grace?

Can you hear the sound, Eliza?

Of the mourning dove crying in the dawn.

There is nothing I believe but that freedom is not free

And there will not be a war that can be won.

There is nothing I believe but that freedom is not free

And there will not be a war that can be won.

-----Yours truly, Dear Eliza

I've just recently gotten this song recorded in the studio. It'll be on my next CD which, hopefully, will be out by the time autumn rolls around again.

Peace.

Talk about a face!!!

What a face!! My friend Laura sent an email today with Ozzy's picture attached. He needs a new home. If any of you readers (all four of ya!!) know anybody that might be interested, you can send me an email at folksinger@esva.net and I'll forward it on to Laura.

I told Laura I sure did wish that I owned my own house 'cause I take him right on in!! Baby would love to have a dog roommate. Jericho and Pete and Buster the cat who lives in the tree would not like it at all, but then, cats don't seem to like much of anything except to boss their humans around and to outwardly break as many rules as they can.

What a face this guy has!

Midnights in winter, the glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile shine through the darkness
Its line is etched in my memory
So I'd know you by heart.

Mornings in April, sharing our secrets.
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children, laughing for hours.
The joy you gave me lives on and on
'Cause I know you by heart.

I still hear your voice on warm summer nights
Whispering like the wind.

You left in autumn, the leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile.
I heard your laughter.
You're still here beside me everyday
'Cause I know you by heart.
-----Diane Scanlon and Eve Nelson, I Know You By Heart

I am listening to Eva Cassidy. She was amazing. You can hear her soul in her voice.
She gives me peace.
Peace.

Juggling....

Seems like I have spent a lot of my life's time juggling....... work, kids, family, budgets, school, more school, and then more school, fun, home, house, yard, dogs, cats, bills, faith, love, intimacy, solitude, friendships, sleep, no sleep, taxes, reading, knitting, thinking, praying, listening, talking, singing, writing, learning, grieving, mother, daughter, sister, wife, ex-wife, holding on, letting go........

I've made a mess of things, more than once. I'm sure there are more messes to come before all is said and done. I've had egg on my face (and everywhere else!) more times than I'd like to think. But I'm persistent! No one could rightly accuse me of giving up or of being a quitter! (Well, someone did recently but that was a situation that needed quitting. I was just the one who was brave enough to do it.)

Life is a juggling act. It can be a blur and a mess - but it is also an awesome thing to watch, an art form all in itself. A beautiful dance. An unending series of lessons learned and balls dropped and picked up again. Sometimes, when the balls are all in the air, and my head is spinning, and the exquisite timing hits its stride and I am doing it and doing it well - I wonder at the dazzling speed of it all and wish that I could stop the juggling act in midair, just so that I might hold each thing, solitary and precious, only if just for a little longer.

Time flies.

Peace.

I'm gonna survive

After five days of the nastiest bug I've had in a long long time, I've decided I'm gonna survive! I woke this morning with no fever, no chills, and a headache that's settled down to a dull throb - a headache I'm used to rather than the pounding, screaming headace that I had that had me convinced I surely had meningitis. I feel so much better today. I am back on call this afternoon and even got a little housework done (though I still haven't gotten around to mopping the kitchen floor - my least favorite of all housekeeping tasks!).

I woke up Thursday morning to a blanket of snow surrounding my house. My house sits a half mile out a sandy dirt road, with fields of winter wheat all around it. The winter wheat is up now and is as green as the fields of Ireland. An absolutely beautiful color to see in the middle of winter! The snow wasn't as noticeable in the fields because the winter wheat is starting to get thicker and taller now. It looked like the only snow that had fallen was in my big yard. Like I was on some kind of island. It was so lovely. I wish I'd have had the time and the energy to take a picture. As it was, I covered my shivering and aching body in warm clothes, donned hat and mittens, and headed down the road and across the Bay to give a deposition.

Depositions in malpractice cases are a nasty business, any way you look at it. It doesn't matter whose side you're on or even if the case has nothing to do with you or your practice - somewhere in the course of things, someone will try to make you out to be a liar, a sorry excuse for a practitioner, or both. I was not in a good frame of mind anyway. They kept me there two and a half hours, and, as I expected, the opposing counsel did try to make me out to be a liar and a lousy practitioner. I guess feeling like crap worked to my advantage because I did not put up with that kind of crap and gave it right back to him. Funny thing about the whole deal is - there is NO reason that I would lie about anything to benefit the person this lawsuit is against! Not i my wildest dreams, not in a hundred years.

I came home from the experience, nauseated, aching, cold to the bone and crawled into my nest. I slept until well past dark. I got up for a little while and tried to eat but my tummy was having none of it! I went back to bed and slept for another twelve hours.

My friend Michele made me a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup yesterday. It had six different herbs in it from her own back yard. She said she blessed each one as she added it to the pot. It fixed me. Such kindness in the midst of things is better than any medicine I could have taken. And each soothing mouthful of that soup calmed my inside.

Today I am much much better. I'm gonna survive after all. I'm back on call this afternoon and even managed to get some housework done.

Better get back to work now. Chin up! It pays the rent!
Peace. Stay well.

It's coming.......

.....and like the IRS, it's out to get you! The "flu" that is. And there's the flu-flu, the throat-flu, the Austrailian-flu, the stomach-flu, and some bizarre kind of respiratory thing going around that's landing people in ICU. All viral. All some mutation of some other virus that mutated from some other virus and so on.

It's creeping into my bones while we speak. I woke this morning with a headache to rival the worst migraine I've ever had and a burning-like-fire throat. Worse than those were the aches in my joints and the inability to get warm. I've been under a blanket as much of the day as work would allow. Fortunately, it hasn't been busy at the hospital today. But I have seen three patients just this afternoon, in labor and delivery, pregnant of course, but with the stomach-flu. I'm getting a different virus, and I sure don't want the stomach thing. Plus I don't want to spread the in-the-throat-chest-head-and-bones virus on to anyone else! But it's hard to go without breathing while trying to get the job of evaluating someone done well.

I gotta make it through tonight. Then I can stay in bed all day tomorrow if need be. I have to go across the Bay on Thursday to give a deposition. Will the fun never end?! Ought to be an even more interesting experience with a fever. I'm already almost beside myself with anxiety about the whole damn deal! Might as well get delusional, huh?! GREAT way to spend Valentine's Day, too. Bah-humbug to that one anyway!!

I hope all of you, loved ones and strangers alike, are spared the flu this year. If you haven't gotten your flu shot, you can still get it. Drink lots of water, get lots of rest, and try to stay warm. Eat your vegetables, too! And a couple of oranges, apples, and/or other good fruits a day.

Good luck! It's a viral jungle out there.
Peace.

A very wise bear.........

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.”

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”

“When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.”
-----Winnie the Pooh

Lent.........

OR

I'm trying to decide which to give up for Lent. Beer or Diet DP? Ought to give up both, but wisdom (such as it is) tells me to only do one at a time. I was going to try to give up procrastination but........ as you can see, I would have more success at fasting. I'm thinking I have seven more hours to decide. Will let you know how it's going.

Peace.

How about those Giants?!

If I'm gonna watch football - it's gotta be exciting. Heck, I don't even watch TV, let alone football! But exciting it was! A great game and a great win! I thought the coolest thing about the whole thing was that two brothers got to win back-to-back Super Bowls. How cool is that?! Every time they'd show Peyton Manning cheering his brother on - it just choked me up. A very perimenopausal thing to do, I know! My co-workers tell me it's because I'm a big sap. Which is probably right, but as good a reason as any to cheer on a team, I think. (Plus the Patriots beat the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl a couple of years back and us folks from North Carolina still haven't gotten over it!).

Death and taxes........

That about says it all. No, I promise I'm not paranoid! But I am pretty damn disgusted! I paid an unmerciful portion of my income this year to the feds and to the glorious state of Virginia. I worked my butt off, squeezing money I couldn't afford to squeeze out of each paycheck for five months last year to pay off a huge chunk of my credit card debt. No one informed me, however, that the interest the credit card company forgave would have to be reported on my income tax return as INCOME! So, no return for me another year. And, even worse, I'm back to another payment plan with Uncle Sam for another year or so to PAY more taxes to the feds and to the glorious state of Virginia!

I am so bummed out! Just when it seems like you're about to see the light at the end of the tunnel...... SLAM! You're hit by the train! This time the train is called the IRS (and the glorious state of Virginia who charged me almost as much as the feds). Death and taxes - you know the drill. The only sure thing in life........

I sure hope your filing goes better than mine. I was blind-sided by this one. Had already made some plans for my return.

I thought about sending my return, along with a picture of all the babies I delivered this year, to Dick Cheney. Reckon he'd front me a loan?

Peace.

She is coming back......

Did you feel it this morning? Did you feel it in the air? She is coming back to us. She's on her way. The warm sun that pulls the sleeping flowers from the ground and wakes the sleepy, stiff earth. The winter wheat is green and will soon start to grow tall. The days are longer. The nights are losing their bite. Today is the start of that drawn out game of push and pull, as spring starts her approach and winter threatens to keep her at bay. The time when the bushes start to flower then another hard freeze will leave the blossoms wilted on the ground.

But I could feel her this morning. She's coming. My spirit is lifting her sleepy head, anxious to see her here, but leary, too, of stepping out too soon, only to be caught in the cold. She's coming.

The sun is coming back to us and soon Spring will be here. In all her glory, she will soon come. Bless the days of warm sunshine. Bless the nights to deep sleep. Soon the whole world will be awake!

I am ready.

Holy Smokes!!

Dr. John just paged me and told me to go on home. Said I'd had a long week and gave me the afternoon off! Said he'd cover call the rest of the afternoon. NAP TIME!! Holy smokes! Somebody must've done something right! Very cool. I'm headed home. Goin' to the grocery to get fixins for chili and then home to crawl into my nest of comforter and quilts and flannel sheets - me and my hot water bottle and Pete the crippled cat. For a long winter's nap!

Now that's what I call a good day!
Peace.

Go Red Day...............

Today is national Go Red for Women Day. Did you wear your red? Me, neither. I forgot. I was so overwhelmed by the process of having to get out of bed this morning into that big ole, cold house..... I stayed up too late last night, talking on the phone to my son, Daniel. What a great conversation we had, though! Awesome! We talked for two hours - about music, school, work, women, men, music, politics, money, church, family, friends, music..... it was great. I love talking to my sons on the phone. We get into some great conversations. Never can tell where the conversation might go!

So back to the National Go Red for Women Day. Go Red for Women is a movement of the American Heart Association to help women come together to make changes necessary to reduce the risk of heart disease and stroke. There's a great website that explains all about it: www.goredforwomen.org Everyone around the hospital today is wearing red. I can't believe I forgot!! And I work with women everyday! And I'm at risk for heart disease - though so far, so good for me and my heart.

I've been reading a book about how to get healthy. Quite a few years back, I kept buying all of these self-help books, trying to fix myself. Instead, I almost made myself crazy. I ditched the self-help stuff and decided to live my life the way that seemed best to me, for me. That seemed the most logical thing to do at that time. And, actually, I think I turned out alright. I mean, I got my quirks and stuff, but, on the whole, I'm pretty much alright. I'm a good person, a good friend, a really good mom (even if I do say so myself).

But I've been thinking a lot lately though about my need to get healthier. Particularly in my physical body, but in my spirit, too. So I bought this neat book and I've been reading about getting healthy. It's a good book. Kind of almost a "getting healthy for dummies" kind of read - easy, straight-forward.

I keep thinking today will be the day that I start. Then I procrastinate another day. That's not going to get me very healthy!! So, little steps and starting today is what I'm going to do. Little steps lead to bigger steps. Maybe by the time I head to Russia, I'll be able to run ALL the way down my road (instead of just part way) and I'll be a non-smoker. That's the hope anyway. I want to be a normal sized, physically fit non-smoker. So I'll have to do it all. But little steps at a time. No fries, no smokes and no beer today. I'm taking a nicotine-beer-french fry holiday!That's the little steps for today.

And, when I get home, I'm going to take a long, hot bath with lavendar oil in the tub. Then I'm going to put on my red long-johns in honor of Go Red Day and I'm going to have turkey chili and a cup of tea. And then I'm going to knit.

Not bad for small steps, I don't guess.
Go Red!