Thinking out loud: August 2009

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Changes..........

It has been such a long time since I wrote anything for my blog. It's been a busy, intense time. A busy and intense year, full of change and joy and laughter and grief and love and tenderness and tears.

I fell in love last summer - a love that kind of snuck up on me in the guise of a dear friend and then with one kiss, tender and true, late one evening after a rain, out in my drive, my world turned upside down. I'd never been kissed like that before, not ever. It happened that very moment. I had been teetering on an edge, unsure, insecure, defiant. But with that kiss - I fell!! I think, now, the better way to say it is that it turned my world right side up. Set it right. From that moment, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace in this love. He is just right for me. We are just right for each other.

And so I have found myself, after many years alone (even in relationships, I have remained alone, apart), sharing my life and all its many facets. I find myself opening, becoming, changing. It is a strange and wonderful process. It is amazing and sometimes quite challenging. It is, I think, love at its best.

In January, my father was diagnosed with two large, malignant brain tumors. In four short weeks, he was gone from us. He died without pain, with great faith and trust in what lay beyond. From the time he was a very small child until the day he died, my father never doubted that God would take care of him. God's care was as natural and real to my father as breathing. And so, in his last days, we all were witness to that continued faith and God's continued care. My father walked a very holy path that we were able to share with him only for a brief time and then watch him as he left us to follow it on, smiling and certain.

He left us many gifts. His death in itself gave us the gift of our renewed love for one another. Jay, Karen, Eric, and Emily - my brothers and sisters who share my history from its start. My children, who know me like and love me like no one else. My nieces and nephews and the way they are like my brothers and sisters and yet they are their own. And my sweet little mom - we saw her strength and dignity in those days. We always knew in some part of us she possessed such as this but never had we seen her demonstrate that grace, dignity and strength so clearly, so exquisitely. And my Scott - the tenderness of his soul like a balm for me and my family. He reached out and offered all that he had - his kind heart, his strong hand, and his steady shoulders.

I am so grateful for all that we felt and shared. I am so grateful for the way my eyes were opened and my heart was touched. I am so grateful for the family I've been given.

There are days when I miss my father so intensely that I don't want to do anything at all. I want to be immobile. I want to be alone and I want to grieve. I wrote a song for my father in the weeks after he was diagnosed with the tumors. I play it often - it connects me to him. My music comes from my father, handed down to me, a great inheritance. Sometimes when I play his song, though, I am filled with regret. I wish I could have played it for him. I spent the night at the hospital with him the last night of his life. It was a long night. My guitar was in my car and I could have played it for him. I was afraid that the hospital folks wouldn't like the disruption. Maybe it might have soothed him more than my touch or my voice.............

Life is too short for regrets such as these and I know my father would agree. I think perhaps I may take my guitar out to his grave one evening when I am home for a visit and play it for him there. There's a bench and a tall cherry tree there. And wind chimes. I think he would have liked that.

My son Jacob spent three months in New Zealand this spring. It was the longest separation of our lives together so far. It was a long three months. I became obsessed with checking my email!! And I cherished every email I got from him. What a great adventure! Oh to be that young and that brave again!

My son Daniel fell in love, too! I have watched his heart heal and his courage and confidence return. She adores him! And he adores her! And they both need that. We all need someone in our lives to adore us!! I think that should become mandatory somehow!

Scott and I got married in May. I never thought I'd ever do it again. I had long since come to the conclusion that I was destined to remain single for the duration but......... there he was with this great big love for me and when I realized I was not afraid to accept it - then I knew it was the right thing to do. I love him and I love the man he is - I mean the man he really is - because that man is a good man, honest and simple. He gives me great joy.

In the past few weeks I have started having full-blown, internally combusting, send-me-to-the-moon-like-a-rocket hot flashes! Oh!! I forgot!! You're supposed to call them power surges!! And power surges is about the best description for them!! They are very impressive, these things. Indescribable. I won't even try. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I have always been cold! Always. I've always been the one in the group who complained about the air conditioning being too cold! Now, I keep wondering who turned the air conditioning off!! Every time I get a power surge and find myself quickly covered in a fine sweat, I feel like I could run a mile! Or maybe it feels like I just did! Wouldn't it be great if those power surges could do the same thing for you as running a mile?! I wouldn't have to be on this diet I'm on!!

I've been anticipating this time coming. I've been a little fearful, a little anxious. It's an intimidating prospect, ya know? Like "Hold on!! Here you go! Everything's getting ready to change and there's nothing you can do about it!!" My family doctor told me that this is BIG!! REALLY BIG!! HUGE!! Seriously, she used those words! She asked me if I remembered what it was like when it all got started and said it was even bigger than that! I told her to PLEASE not tell me that again because I went completely nuts when it all started!! "But!", she said, "Now you have wisdom!"

Tell you the truth, that was not much of a comfort. I don't feel so wise. I think of the wisdom that my mother has or that my grandmother had or, especially, that my great-grandmother had (she lived to 95!!). I don't have that yet!! I haven't had enough time! But there's no putting the brakes on life! No matter what or how we try - life keeps on coming at us!

But I know this for certain - I am a strong woman! I got that from my mom just as sure as I got her fair skin, brown eyes, and small hands! I have more strength than many. I'll be okay. This is a part of the way life moves through us. And so I am grateful for this as well.

Life moves through us, ever-changing. Hold me close to your heart and I will do the same for you. Peace comes.

And, I suppose, wisdom will come as well.

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Song Lyrics of the Week (or maybe the day)

I've been walking down a solitary road.

Looking for some open door, some comfort from this cold.

And I have been afraid I'd lose my hope

But now I know hope will survive.

I've been searching for a heart that is like mine.

A little taste of peacefulness is all I'd hope to find.

So I looked into the eyes of my child

And when he smiled, I could see it shine.

I do believe the dawn will follow the night fall

And I will not have to walk this road alone.

In the voices of my friends, I hear a light call

And the sweetness of that sound will lead me home.

Love is waiting there for me, it's in the pictures on my wall.

I hear it in my grandpa's clock ticking down my hall.

It's underneath the quilt my grammy sewed

And the sweet songs that I've know since I was a child.

I do believe that joy will come to find me.

And I'll know again how that pleasure feels.

And the scars that I bear are here to remind me

That I may love and lose but I will heal.

-----yours truly, Hope Will Survive

Gratitude Journal (a New Year's Resolution)

I am grateful for the many times that I have survived depression.
I am grateful for the memories I have of Morganton and our house there - the house where Jacob and Daniel and I grew up, and the many great times I had in that lovely space.
I am grateful for the red maple leaves blazing in my front yard and the few short weeks I have left to say, "Oh! look at that!" when I step out the front door.
I am grateful that I have learned to be alone and at peace with my own company.
I am grateful for the book of Job. One cannot feel sorry for one's self for very long whilst reading Job. And for that I am quite grateful, as I'm feeling sorry for myself today.
I am grateful for the opportunity I had to play music with Scott and Ken and Mary. Our group was a wonderful thing.
I am grateful for patience.
I am grateful for my nephew Matt and for the man he became in his recovery. I am grateful for the relationship that we've developed and the love that we share.
I am grateful for the sound of my father's voice - the way it echoes still.
I am grateful for dreams of the mountains.
I am grateful that I knew a part of Scott that was good and true before all the other stuff happened. It gives me the place to start forgiving and letting go.
I am grateful for my friends Jon, Lorna, and Bruce.
I am grateful for the week I had to sit by the ocean and listen to that ancient, pounding sound.
I am grateful for friendships that span miles and years.
I am grateful for giggling! You should hear my sisters and my little brother and my sons and me - we all giggle the same!
I am grateful for love that came later in life, even though it would not stay here with me and even though it broke my heart. I am still grateful that I knew it and it knew me.
I am grateful for my music and the way it saves me.
I am grateful for tears.
I am grateful for the voices of my sisters. They sound so much like my own, it surprises me everytime!
I am grateful for the way my kids hug me - with love and intention, warmth and honesty.
I am grateful for the beautiful, warm day yesterday (2/8/09) and the opportunity to sit out in the sun with my dad.
I am constantly touched and amazed and humbled by the courage of others. Thank you for that. Thank you to the young man who waited on our table down in Chapel Hill. Your courage inspires my own!

Good Music

If you haven't heard these albums, have a listen. You'll be glad you did:

Jon Zachary, Turn on a Point ("The Ballad of the Piper Cub" is indeed a very very fine song and an artist rendering on forgiveness. Worth listening to about a thousand times or more.)

Mary Gordon Hall, Wine Glasses and Wooden Spoons (with Christmas coming, listen to "Babe Alone", incredibly beautiful song)

Danny Ellis, 800 Voices (listen to "800 Voices" or "Tommy Bonner" first and read the liner notes, this is powerful music and will heal you way down inside if you open yourself up and let it)

Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings, The Harrow & The Harvest ("Hard Times" is my current favorite song!)

Patty Griffin, Children Passing Through ("Up to the Mountain" is a song that I play and belt out when I think that I can't go on anymore.)

I could go on for days!!

My thoughts on finding pathways to peace

I have found that lavender candles or vanilla candles help. I light them when the sun goes down and I blow them out when I go to bed. Especially in the dark of the winter, that soft light soothes me and helps me feel centered. The vanilla reminds me of my grandmother's house when I was a little girl and the cookies, cakes, or pies she would bake when we came to visit. Lavender reminds me of the fields of summer and sitting on the edge of Linville Gorge watching the sun set. I never smelled lavender there but every time I smell it, I think of summer and the Gorge and the many days in my nineteenth, twentieth and twenty-first years that I spent there.

It is often easy to set aside a hurt or an offense or a wrong doing that someone throws my way, intentionally or not. Most of us, I think, can set things aside, take a deep breath, control our tempers. The harder part is to leave it aside! To not allow ourselves to take it back up again and carry it around like some sort of blazing badge upon our chests. Letting go means leaving it behind. That's a hard task sometimes. I have found that taking things back up again or carrying them on and on and on significantly diminishes my peace potential. So how do I keep from picking things back up again? Injecting either humor or music into situations of conflict helps me a lot. i try to talk things out with someone I trust and I try to make it funny if I can. I love to tell a story and the funnier the better. I try to make big hurts into little hurts by breaking them up with humor. I also will send a little sound clip in most all the time. I have a constant, unending, soundtrack playing in my head. I have the remote to that soundtrack and I can switch stations whenever I want. There are particular songs that I play in my head that help me feel peaceful or calm or loving or generous or sensitive or, on the flip side, angry, combative, vengeful. You know what I mean? You have these too? Most of us do, I think. I use that music in my head. When I am tempted to fight, I flip a switch and turn on some internal music that either expresses that anger for me (here's an example - "No Bad News" by Patty Griffin. Awesome song. I turn that song up loud in my car on really really bad days when I feel like I might explode - and I explode into that song and wail it out!! and am much the better for it - without doing anybody harm!! 'cept maybe my poor ear drums!) or soothes that anger down (here's another example - "One Love" by Bob Marley, or from Playing for Change. "Let's get together and feel alright" or "Imagine" by John Lennon. "Imagine all the people living life in peace"). It might sound crazy. It might sound meaningless to you. But it works for me. Try it. Turn those songs on in your head and see what happens. If you don't have the right one, go looking for it. It's a powerful tool.

Gratitude has saved my life.

Service has saved my life. I wish that the Feds would give everybody a tax break for doing service work. Like you do some service work, you get a receipt from wherever or whomever, and you attach it to your income tax return and you get a 2% tax deduction or something like that. Plant trees around a local park, build trails on the Appalachian Trail, serve mashed potatoes at a local soup kitchen or bag groceries at a local food bank, write letters to an orphan in Somalia, volunteer to read to a kindergarten class, mow your elderly neighbors' lawn, clean cages for the Humane Society. There's a lot out there to be done. Big and small. Might be life changing. May just be something to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon. But helping others helps me. Helping others takes me out of my little solitary world and opens me up to the blessings that I have and puts my world into perspective.

Prayer is powerful. And it works. When I moved to the Eastern Shore in 2006, I rented this great big old farmhouse. It was beautiful and I loved it there. But the nights could be painfully long. The house made so many sounds and popped and creaked and groaned in the wind. I was sometimes quite spooked. And my peace seemed to run away and hide under the bed. Sleep was elusive. I found there were nights that I could not remember the 23rd Psalm, though I had learned it by heart when I was just a little thing. Sometimes I would simply say, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." Period. That was it. That's all my mind would let me remember. And so that became a mantra and a prayer and I would repeat it over and over. And peace would come stealin' over me, slowly, gently. And I would feel my heart slow down. And the popping and creaking and groaning of the house would fade into an ambient sound that did not startle me. And I would float on that prayer into a peaceful state where thoughts came clearly and my voice, the voice of my heart, would talk directly to my God. And my God would listen. I have to work at finding that place. It does not come easily to me. But I work at it and when I find that place of stillness, I find that talking to my God is as easy as talking to my own mother or my closest friend. And my prayers are a conversation that is left unended, to be continued. The peace that I find when I pray is a peace that stays with me as long as I am willing to acknowledge its presence. Because it is always there. I just only need to remember.

A dog, a cat, a horse, a cow, a bird. Study after study has shown what great benefit there is in having a pet: lower blood pressure, less pain, less chronic disease, higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression. I am a believer. I know it to be true in my own life and in my own house. Sitting quietly, listening to a book on tape, knitting or not knitting, with my dog curled up next to me, leaning against my legs. My vital signs stabilize and then mellow, my muscles relax, my heartaches ease, and everything feels alright. Just touching her soft furry head and listening to her sigh. Wow. What a simple thing.