I am learning. I am grateful for the surprise - that I still have so much to learn. About simple things like love and faith. About conflict, resolution, and acceptance. About how the past can still sometimes haunt the present. About how much tenderness a heart can hold and how that tenderness can be a healing thing in a sick world. About how sick the world really is. About how little and how much one small person - me or anyone else - can do to help. About how long the road really is to home.
I sometimes wish I didn't have to learn so much. But I'm thinking the alternative would be worse. Either I'd be closed-minded or dead! So I am grateful for the learning. Even when it is painful.
I am here. In the scheme of things, it does matter.
Peace.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Changes..........
It has been such a long time since I wrote anything for my blog. It's been a busy, intense time. A busy and intense year, full of change and joy and laughter and grief and love and tenderness and tears.
I fell in love last summer - a love that kind of snuck up on me in the guise of a dear friend and then with one kiss, tender and true, late one evening after a rain, out in my drive, my world turned upside down. I'd never been kissed like that before, not ever. It happened that very moment. I had been teetering on an edge, unsure, insecure, defiant. But with that kiss - I fell!! I think, now, the better way to say it is that it turned my world right side up. Set it right. From that moment, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace in this love. He is just right for me. We are just right for each other.
And so I have found myself, after many years alone (even in relationships, I have remained alone, apart), sharing my life and all its many facets. I find myself opening, becoming, changing. It is a strange and wonderful process. It is amazing and sometimes quite challenging. It is, I think, love at its best.
In January, my father was diagnosed with two large, malignant brain tumors. In four short weeks, he was gone from us. He died without pain, with great faith and trust in what lay beyond. From the time he was a very small child until the day he died, my father never doubted that God would take care of him. God's care was as natural and real to my father as breathing. And so, in his last days, we all were witness to that continued faith and God's continued care. My father walked a very holy path that we were able to share with him only for a brief time and then watch him as he left us to follow it on, smiling and certain.
He left us many gifts. His death in itself gave us the gift of our renewed love for one another. Jay, Karen, Eric, and Emily - my brothers and sisters who share my history from its start. My children, who know me like and love me like no one else. My nieces and nephews and the way they are like my brothers and sisters and yet they are their own. And my sweet little mom - we saw her strength and dignity in those days. We always knew in some part of us she possessed such as this but never had we seen her demonstrate that grace, dignity and strength so clearly, so exquisitely. And my Scott - the tenderness of his soul like a balm for me and my family. He reached out and offered all that he had - his kind heart, his strong hand, and his steady shoulders.
I am so grateful for all that we felt and shared. I am so grateful for the way my eyes were opened and my heart was touched. I am so grateful for the family I've been given.
There are days when I miss my father so intensely that I don't want to do anything at all. I want to be immobile. I want to be alone and I want to grieve. I wrote a song for my father in the weeks after he was diagnosed with the tumors. I play it often - it connects me to him. My music comes from my father, handed down to me, a great inheritance. Sometimes when I play his song, though, I am filled with regret. I wish I could have played it for him. I spent the night at the hospital with him the last night of his life. It was a long night. My guitar was in my car and I could have played it for him. I was afraid that the hospital folks wouldn't like the disruption. Maybe it might have soothed him more than my touch or my voice.............
Life is too short for regrets such as these and I know my father would agree. I think perhaps I may take my guitar out to his grave one evening when I am home for a visit and play it for him there. There's a bench and a tall cherry tree there. And wind chimes. I think he would have liked that.
My son Jacob spent three months in New Zealand this spring. It was the longest separation of our lives together so far. It was a long three months. I became obsessed with checking my email!! And I cherished every email I got from him. What a great adventure! Oh to be that young and that brave again!
My son Daniel fell in love, too! I have watched his heart heal and his courage and confidence return. She adores him! And he adores her! And they both need that. We all need someone in our lives to adore us!! I think that should become mandatory somehow!
Scott and I got married in May. I never thought I'd ever do it again. I had long since come to the conclusion that I was destined to remain single for the duration but......... there he was with this great big love for me and when I realized I was not afraid to accept it - then I knew it was the right thing to do. I love him and I love the man he is - I mean the man he really is - because that man is a good man, honest and simple. He gives me great joy.
In the past few weeks I have started having full-blown, internally combusting, send-me-to-the-moon-like-a-rocket hot flashes! Oh!! I forgot!! You're supposed to call them power surges!! And power surges is about the best description for them!! They are very impressive, these things. Indescribable. I won't even try. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I have always been cold! Always. I've always been the one in the group who complained about the air conditioning being too cold! Now, I keep wondering who turned the air conditioning off!! Every time I get a power surge and find myself quickly covered in a fine sweat, I feel like I could run a mile! Or maybe it feels like I just did! Wouldn't it be great if those power surges could do the same thing for you as running a mile?! I wouldn't have to be on this diet I'm on!!
I've been anticipating this time coming. I've been a little fearful, a little anxious. It's an intimidating prospect, ya know? Like "Hold on!! Here you go! Everything's getting ready to change and there's nothing you can do about it!!" My family doctor told me that this is BIG!! REALLY BIG!! HUGE!! Seriously, she used those words! She asked me if I remembered what it was like when it all got started and said it was even bigger than that! I told her to PLEASE not tell me that again because I went completely nuts when it all started!! "But!", she said, "Now you have wisdom!"
Tell you the truth, that was not much of a comfort. I don't feel so wise. I think of the wisdom that my mother has or that my grandmother had or, especially, that my great-grandmother had (she lived to 95!!). I don't have that yet!! I haven't had enough time! But there's no putting the brakes on life! No matter what or how we try - life keeps on coming at us!
But I know this for certain - I am a strong woman! I got that from my mom just as sure as I got her fair skin, brown eyes, and small hands! I have more strength than many. I'll be okay. This is a part of the way life moves through us. And so I am grateful for this as well.
Life moves through us, ever-changing. Hold me close to your heart and I will do the same for you. Peace comes.
And, I suppose, wisdom will come as well.
I fell in love last summer - a love that kind of snuck up on me in the guise of a dear friend and then with one kiss, tender and true, late one evening after a rain, out in my drive, my world turned upside down. I'd never been kissed like that before, not ever. It happened that very moment. I had been teetering on an edge, unsure, insecure, defiant. But with that kiss - I fell!! I think, now, the better way to say it is that it turned my world right side up. Set it right. From that moment, I have felt a wonderful sense of peace in this love. He is just right for me. We are just right for each other.
And so I have found myself, after many years alone (even in relationships, I have remained alone, apart), sharing my life and all its many facets. I find myself opening, becoming, changing. It is a strange and wonderful process. It is amazing and sometimes quite challenging. It is, I think, love at its best.
In January, my father was diagnosed with two large, malignant brain tumors. In four short weeks, he was gone from us. He died without pain, with great faith and trust in what lay beyond. From the time he was a very small child until the day he died, my father never doubted that God would take care of him. God's care was as natural and real to my father as breathing. And so, in his last days, we all were witness to that continued faith and God's continued care. My father walked a very holy path that we were able to share with him only for a brief time and then watch him as he left us to follow it on, smiling and certain.
He left us many gifts. His death in itself gave us the gift of our renewed love for one another. Jay, Karen, Eric, and Emily - my brothers and sisters who share my history from its start. My children, who know me like and love me like no one else. My nieces and nephews and the way they are like my brothers and sisters and yet they are their own. And my sweet little mom - we saw her strength and dignity in those days. We always knew in some part of us she possessed such as this but never had we seen her demonstrate that grace, dignity and strength so clearly, so exquisitely. And my Scott - the tenderness of his soul like a balm for me and my family. He reached out and offered all that he had - his kind heart, his strong hand, and his steady shoulders.
I am so grateful for all that we felt and shared. I am so grateful for the way my eyes were opened and my heart was touched. I am so grateful for the family I've been given.
There are days when I miss my father so intensely that I don't want to do anything at all. I want to be immobile. I want to be alone and I want to grieve. I wrote a song for my father in the weeks after he was diagnosed with the tumors. I play it often - it connects me to him. My music comes from my father, handed down to me, a great inheritance. Sometimes when I play his song, though, I am filled with regret. I wish I could have played it for him. I spent the night at the hospital with him the last night of his life. It was a long night. My guitar was in my car and I could have played it for him. I was afraid that the hospital folks wouldn't like the disruption. Maybe it might have soothed him more than my touch or my voice.............
Life is too short for regrets such as these and I know my father would agree. I think perhaps I may take my guitar out to his grave one evening when I am home for a visit and play it for him there. There's a bench and a tall cherry tree there. And wind chimes. I think he would have liked that.
My son Jacob spent three months in New Zealand this spring. It was the longest separation of our lives together so far. It was a long three months. I became obsessed with checking my email!! And I cherished every email I got from him. What a great adventure! Oh to be that young and that brave again!
My son Daniel fell in love, too! I have watched his heart heal and his courage and confidence return. She adores him! And he adores her! And they both need that. We all need someone in our lives to adore us!! I think that should become mandatory somehow!
Scott and I got married in May. I never thought I'd ever do it again. I had long since come to the conclusion that I was destined to remain single for the duration but......... there he was with this great big love for me and when I realized I was not afraid to accept it - then I knew it was the right thing to do. I love him and I love the man he is - I mean the man he really is - because that man is a good man, honest and simple. He gives me great joy.
In the past few weeks I have started having full-blown, internally combusting, send-me-to-the-moon-like-a-rocket hot flashes! Oh!! I forgot!! You're supposed to call them power surges!! And power surges is about the best description for them!! They are very impressive, these things. Indescribable. I won't even try. They make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I have always been cold! Always. I've always been the one in the group who complained about the air conditioning being too cold! Now, I keep wondering who turned the air conditioning off!! Every time I get a power surge and find myself quickly covered in a fine sweat, I feel like I could run a mile! Or maybe it feels like I just did! Wouldn't it be great if those power surges could do the same thing for you as running a mile?! I wouldn't have to be on this diet I'm on!!
I've been anticipating this time coming. I've been a little fearful, a little anxious. It's an intimidating prospect, ya know? Like "Hold on!! Here you go! Everything's getting ready to change and there's nothing you can do about it!!" My family doctor told me that this is BIG!! REALLY BIG!! HUGE!! Seriously, she used those words! She asked me if I remembered what it was like when it all got started and said it was even bigger than that! I told her to PLEASE not tell me that again because I went completely nuts when it all started!! "But!", she said, "Now you have wisdom!"
Tell you the truth, that was not much of a comfort. I don't feel so wise. I think of the wisdom that my mother has or that my grandmother had or, especially, that my great-grandmother had (she lived to 95!!). I don't have that yet!! I haven't had enough time! But there's no putting the brakes on life! No matter what or how we try - life keeps on coming at us!
But I know this for certain - I am a strong woman! I got that from my mom just as sure as I got her fair skin, brown eyes, and small hands! I have more strength than many. I'll be okay. This is a part of the way life moves through us. And so I am grateful for this as well.
Life moves through us, ever-changing. Hold me close to your heart and I will do the same for you. Peace comes.
And, I suppose, wisdom will come as well.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Yuck..........
I've got a cold. I feel yucky. I hate colds. Especially when it's supposed to be spring outside and time to be out enjoying the sun. Oh, and when it's rainy and cold and nasty and you can't get outside in the sun that's supposed to be there but isn't so you can't let the sun bake the bad germs out of your body! It wasted no time. I felt it starting before I went to bed on Tuesday night. I had to get up and go to the hospital at one in the morning (which I'm sure didn't help any with fighting it off) and sneezed for the next three hours. Woke up yesterday with my head stuffed up and by suppertime, it was in my chest and in my bones.
Yeah, yeah! I know, I know. I'm whining! (Daggum right, I'm whining!! I feel like hell!!).
Jacob left on Sunday to start his big adventure. Picked up Jamie in Asheville and headed for Boulder. They made it to Boulder in good time and with no major ordeals along the way. They're heading out today for Mohab, Utah for a couple of days and then on to San Fransisco. They fly out a week from today for New Zealand. $700.oo, a backpack, and a guide book, best friend from high school, and a return plane ticket in three months! What more could a 21-year-old want?!
Oh, to be 21 again and off on an adventure like that. To be able to see the world with eyes like his, instead of eyes a little more clouded with fear. I am not near as fearful as so many people I know, but I am more fearful than I let on most of the time, and definitely more fearful than my children. I think maybe becoming a parent does that to you. That all of a sudden, once you become a parent, the world suddenly becomes this place where danger is everywhere. You know what I mean? It takes awhile to get that stuff reeled in and tamed down - guess it happens gradually as your kids get older and you worry less about EVERYTHING and get into more specific worries. You're hoping all along that your kids have taken over worrying about a lot of that stuff, so you don't have to, but then again, it kind of always stays there in the backround somewhere, ready to leap out when you least expect it!
Daniel was telling me last week about a friend of his in Wilmington who just returned from a long trek around the country by way of train-hopping and hitch-hiking. Daniel said some of his stories were pretty wild, though I didn't hear any of the wild stories so my imagination took over and created them for me. What I imagined is probably not anything like what the young man really experienced! But, after we got off the phone, I was thinking about when I was young and not afraid of such things. I remember hitch-hiking here and there. Sometimes people creeped me out a little but I was never afraid like I would be now. Too many movies and too many news broadcasts, I guess.
I made Jacob promise me that he would not hitch-hike back to Boulder from San Fransisco when he comes back from New Zealand. I'm going to buy him a plane ticket. And his girlfriend, Tasha, is going to fly out to Boulder to meet him and drive back with him, so I don't have to worry about him making that trip from Boulder by himself. Out of all the things that I can get to worrying about, this was one I could do something about so I asked and he said, "Okay."
I'll take that.
I'm going home to nurse my cold. I love Vicks Vapor Rub.
Peace. Stay safe from all the germs!
Yeah, yeah! I know, I know. I'm whining! (Daggum right, I'm whining!! I feel like hell!!).
Jacob left on Sunday to start his big adventure. Picked up Jamie in Asheville and headed for Boulder. They made it to Boulder in good time and with no major ordeals along the way. They're heading out today for Mohab, Utah for a couple of days and then on to San Fransisco. They fly out a week from today for New Zealand. $700.oo, a backpack, and a guide book, best friend from high school, and a return plane ticket in three months! What more could a 21-year-old want?!
Oh, to be 21 again and off on an adventure like that. To be able to see the world with eyes like his, instead of eyes a little more clouded with fear. I am not near as fearful as so many people I know, but I am more fearful than I let on most of the time, and definitely more fearful than my children. I think maybe becoming a parent does that to you. That all of a sudden, once you become a parent, the world suddenly becomes this place where danger is everywhere. You know what I mean? It takes awhile to get that stuff reeled in and tamed down - guess it happens gradually as your kids get older and you worry less about EVERYTHING and get into more specific worries. You're hoping all along that your kids have taken over worrying about a lot of that stuff, so you don't have to, but then again, it kind of always stays there in the backround somewhere, ready to leap out when you least expect it!
Daniel was telling me last week about a friend of his in Wilmington who just returned from a long trek around the country by way of train-hopping and hitch-hiking. Daniel said some of his stories were pretty wild, though I didn't hear any of the wild stories so my imagination took over and created them for me. What I imagined is probably not anything like what the young man really experienced! But, after we got off the phone, I was thinking about when I was young and not afraid of such things. I remember hitch-hiking here and there. Sometimes people creeped me out a little but I was never afraid like I would be now. Too many movies and too many news broadcasts, I guess.
I made Jacob promise me that he would not hitch-hike back to Boulder from San Fransisco when he comes back from New Zealand. I'm going to buy him a plane ticket. And his girlfriend, Tasha, is going to fly out to Boulder to meet him and drive back with him, so I don't have to worry about him making that trip from Boulder by himself. Out of all the things that I can get to worrying about, this was one I could do something about so I asked and he said, "Okay."
I'll take that.
I'm going home to nurse my cold. I love Vicks Vapor Rub.
Peace. Stay safe from all the germs!
Monday, March 16, 2009
You alright, Chickabee?
I have learned so much in the past few weeks. I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about the people that I love the most - my sons, my brothers and sisters, my closest friends, Scott, and my mom and dad. I have learned, more than anything, how incredibly lucky I am.
But I've learned that it's not just luck but a lot of hard work, too. I think about how much time and energy and love and patience and forgiveness my mom and dad invested into my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters. They worked so hard for us........ it humbles me when I think about it. It touches my very center and stirs such feelings of gratitude and tenderness.
Time is so short. Time with each other is so precious.
My brothers and sisters and I stood in a small group, leaning on one another, trembling with grief, and said good-bye to the man who was the center of us, the leader of our tribe, the head of our team. I would have fallen apart without my brothers and sisters. Our lifetime of love and affection was the glue that held us together. The words we shared with one another, the words we shared with the big community of my father's friends and colleagues, the way we were able to speak about him....... I will never forget those days, hours, minutes.
My sons let me hug them a million times. Over and over again, they opened up their arms and let me step inside. Their love for me and their love for their grandfather held me steady, gave me great strength, reminded me of what a gift they are to me and to the world. Reminded me of how the circle comes around and you begin to understand the love your parents have for you when you have children of your own.
My three closest friends drove such a long way for me. To just be there with me, for me. When I stepped up into the pulpit to speak at my father's funeral, my heart was racing and my spirit ached so intensely, I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to go on. There were so many people there. I looked out and saw Bobbi and Steve there, smiling, sending me the courage to continue - and so I did. The time I spent with Cindy the following evening helped me to know that everything was going to be okay - that despite this great big huge hole that's happened in my life, some things will always be the same. That continuing on in life - as we have to do!! - is okay. Thank you, my friends.
Scott never wavered. Never backed away from the sadness. Never questioned. Just loved. Loved me, loved my mom, loved my brothers and sisters, my sister-in-laws. It was amazing to see. He just opened up his heart; offered his shoulder, his smile, his hand. I've never been loved like that before. I watched him give so much, without holding anything back. Even now, I am touched by the very memory of it. I will hold on to that forever.
And my mom....... my mom showed such grace and beauty. There is no way to write it into a blog or anywhere else - but it is forever written on my heart and the hearts of my brothers and sisters, my kids, my nieces and nephews - all of us who were there. When we were overwhelmed by the immensity of our loss, she gave us grace, peace, and direction. I would like to have even a small part of that grace she has.
When I was still living in Morganton, whenever I was sad or blue or sick or struggling, my friend Bobbi would call me up to check on me. She'd always say, "You alright, Chickabee?".
I wanted you to know that I'm alright. Full. Sad. Tender. Happy. Humbled. Grateful. Full of love.
Peace all.
But I've learned that it's not just luck but a lot of hard work, too. I think about how much time and energy and love and patience and forgiveness my mom and dad invested into my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters. They worked so hard for us........ it humbles me when I think about it. It touches my very center and stirs such feelings of gratitude and tenderness.
Time is so short. Time with each other is so precious.
My brothers and sisters and I stood in a small group, leaning on one another, trembling with grief, and said good-bye to the man who was the center of us, the leader of our tribe, the head of our team. I would have fallen apart without my brothers and sisters. Our lifetime of love and affection was the glue that held us together. The words we shared with one another, the words we shared with the big community of my father's friends and colleagues, the way we were able to speak about him....... I will never forget those days, hours, minutes.
My sons let me hug them a million times. Over and over again, they opened up their arms and let me step inside. Their love for me and their love for their grandfather held me steady, gave me great strength, reminded me of what a gift they are to me and to the world. Reminded me of how the circle comes around and you begin to understand the love your parents have for you when you have children of your own.
My three closest friends drove such a long way for me. To just be there with me, for me. When I stepped up into the pulpit to speak at my father's funeral, my heart was racing and my spirit ached so intensely, I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to go on. There were so many people there. I looked out and saw Bobbi and Steve there, smiling, sending me the courage to continue - and so I did. The time I spent with Cindy the following evening helped me to know that everything was going to be okay - that despite this great big huge hole that's happened in my life, some things will always be the same. That continuing on in life - as we have to do!! - is okay. Thank you, my friends.
Scott never wavered. Never backed away from the sadness. Never questioned. Just loved. Loved me, loved my mom, loved my brothers and sisters, my sister-in-laws. It was amazing to see. He just opened up his heart; offered his shoulder, his smile, his hand. I've never been loved like that before. I watched him give so much, without holding anything back. Even now, I am touched by the very memory of it. I will hold on to that forever.
And my mom....... my mom showed such grace and beauty. There is no way to write it into a blog or anywhere else - but it is forever written on my heart and the hearts of my brothers and sisters, my kids, my nieces and nephews - all of us who were there. When we were overwhelmed by the immensity of our loss, she gave us grace, peace, and direction. I would like to have even a small part of that grace she has.
When I was still living in Morganton, whenever I was sad or blue or sick or struggling, my friend Bobbi would call me up to check on me. She'd always say, "You alright, Chickabee?".
I wanted you to know that I'm alright. Full. Sad. Tender. Happy. Humbled. Grateful. Full of love.
Peace all.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
My dad...........
Romer Stevens, Jr.
May 19, 1928 - February 28, 2009
He loved me all my life. Even when I was a wild, out-of-control teenager, he loved me even then. Even in the midst of my hardest times, there has always been a part of me that knew that I would somehow pull through, that I was going to be alright - that came from my dad. And, even now, when it feels like something is broken inside of me, I know that I'm going to be alright.
When you love someone as much as I love my father, there really never is a good-bye. He is and always will be right here with me, in me, part of me. When I sing, when I listen to a beautiful piece of music, when I look into the eyes of my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews - there he is!
Love is a precious thing. I am so very grateful to have been loved so well and to have had the chance to love like that in return.
Go with God, Dad. I love you. I love. Thank you.
Peace all.
May 19, 1928 - February 28, 2009
He loved me all my life. Even when I was a wild, out-of-control teenager, he loved me even then. Even in the midst of my hardest times, there has always been a part of me that knew that I would somehow pull through, that I was going to be alright - that came from my dad. And, even now, when it feels like something is broken inside of me, I know that I'm going to be alright.
When you love someone as much as I love my father, there really never is a good-bye. He is and always will be right here with me, in me, part of me. When I sing, when I listen to a beautiful piece of music, when I look into the eyes of my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews - there he is!
Love is a precious thing. I am so very grateful to have been loved so well and to have had the chance to love like that in return.
Go with God, Dad. I love you. I love. Thank you.
Peace all.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Go With God................
Day by day, you slip away
Down a path that I can't follow,
On a journey you alone must make.
And I believe you walk with peace,
But I want to hold you tightly
Letting go makes my spirit ache.
I know that sorrow this deep
Only comes from love deeper still
You have loved me well.
I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face
So go with God.
I had a dream, your soul was free
And I could see you flying
With wings that held the colors of the rainbow.
Your voice was strong and raised in song
And it rolled across the valley
And it wrapped itself around me
And soothed my soul.
And when I woke with the sunrise
I could see your colors in the dawn.
I could hear your song.
And I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face.
So go with God.
-----Yours truly, Go With God
For my dear, sweet, loving father. February 20, 2009. I love you, Dad.
Peace.
Down a path that I can't follow,
On a journey you alone must make.
And I believe you walk with peace,
But I want to hold you tightly
Letting go makes my spirit ache.
I know that sorrow this deep
Only comes from love deeper still
You have loved me well.
I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face
So go with God.
I had a dream, your soul was free
And I could see you flying
With wings that held the colors of the rainbow.
Your voice was strong and raised in song
And it rolled across the valley
And it wrapped itself around me
And soothed my soul.
And when I woke with the sunrise
I could see your colors in the dawn.
I could hear your song.
And I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face.
So go with God.
-----Yours truly, Go With God
For my dear, sweet, loving father. February 20, 2009. I love you, Dad.
Peace.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Haunted.........
How do you go about getting someone to leave you alone? It's a hard thing to do when it's a hard person. Particularly if they are determined to NOT leave you alone but to keep poking at you. Not often, but just often enough to keep the sore place from healing over. Little pokes. "Just being nice." But it's not nice - you know what I mean?
I've tried asking....... that obviously didn't work. I put blocks up in my email program. I moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. But mail comes to me anyway. In a small community, it doesn't matter if the address line is empty - the mail will find you.
It's like being haunted. And I want to be free of this ghost. Or at least free enough that I don't feel fear and anxiety every time I open up my mailbox (on line or at the post office). He doesn't understand what happens to me....... or maybe he does. If he really is a nice guy, is it so much to ask to just be left alone? Like really left alone. Like forever leave me alone!! I don't know anymore. I thought about asking. But the reaction of my physical body to even the thought of that is sooo strong. Probably not a good idea. I'd be liable to barf on my shoes. Or pee myself.
It's like being haunted.
If anyone out there knows a good exorcist, send him on down to Willis Wharf.
It's just like being haunted.
Peace.
I've tried asking....... that obviously didn't work. I put blocks up in my email program. I moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. But mail comes to me anyway. In a small community, it doesn't matter if the address line is empty - the mail will find you.
It's like being haunted. And I want to be free of this ghost. Or at least free enough that I don't feel fear and anxiety every time I open up my mailbox (on line or at the post office). He doesn't understand what happens to me....... or maybe he does. If he really is a nice guy, is it so much to ask to just be left alone? Like really left alone. Like forever leave me alone!! I don't know anymore. I thought about asking. But the reaction of my physical body to even the thought of that is sooo strong. Probably not a good idea. I'd be liable to barf on my shoes. Or pee myself.
It's like being haunted.
If anyone out there knows a good exorcist, send him on down to Willis Wharf.
It's just like being haunted.
Peace.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Sweet Valentines Story......
My younger brother Eric called my mom yesterday afternoon to tell her he was on the way to her house. He said, "I'm going to call you when I pull in the driveway and you have to go upstairs and wait until I tell you to come back down." And so he did, and she went upstairs as she was asked. A bit later, he called up the stairs and told her she could come down again. My brother had gotten my father up and walked him into the kitchen and had him sitting up at the kitchen table with a dozen red roses and a Valentine's Day card for my mom, from my dad. My mom was very touched. She said she thought my dad was more surprised than she was! My dad had forgotten that it was Valentine's Day. The cancer has taken away much of his memory, especially of recent things. He always got my mom something special, and so, by way of my sweet little brother, he did again.
I come from a lot of love. Happy Valentine's Day!
Peace.
I come from a lot of love. Happy Valentine's Day!
Peace.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My Eternal Appalachian Home
My Eternal Appalachian Home
High up above these mountains,
where time stands still
in the silence of snow.
I will float on in notes.
My melody will meld
with that of the forest
and become a deafening roar
that rolls down the valley below.
And the rhododendrons
will turn in bloom to listen
and the giant oaks,
that strain against valley floors
to catch a glimpse of the sun,
will chime in unison with my song.
The pines will weep
tears of tar and joy,
and the hemlocks
and other evergreens,
steadfast in their own schedule,
will hold my note
when it becomes but a winter whisper.
And as the clouds roll in
to make islands of these mountains
and the silence of snow
sings it’s own song
I will float on in notes.
Held above the hills
gathering like a flock
waiting for springs warmth
to fill the valleys with music,
a millennia of melodies
-----Daniel Perry, My Eternal Appalachian Home, February 2009
This is a poem that my son Daniel wrote. I think it's incredibly beautiful. I'm going to print it out and hang it up on my refrigerator, like I did when he was little and still at home with me. When I read it, I feel close to him. And I feel the pull of those mountains that are so much a part of the people that we are.
Peace all. Love to my folks. Love to my mountains and all the folks there that I miss so much.
High up above these mountains,
where time stands still
in the silence of snow.
I will float on in notes.
My melody will meld
with that of the forest
and become a deafening roar
that rolls down the valley below.
And the rhododendrons
will turn in bloom to listen
and the giant oaks,
that strain against valley floors
to catch a glimpse of the sun,
will chime in unison with my song.
The pines will weep
tears of tar and joy,
and the hemlocks
and other evergreens,
steadfast in their own schedule,
will hold my note
when it becomes but a winter whisper.
And as the clouds roll in
to make islands of these mountains
and the silence of snow
sings it’s own song
I will float on in notes.
Held above the hills
gathering like a flock
waiting for springs warmth
to fill the valleys with music,
a millennia of melodies
-----Daniel Perry, My Eternal Appalachian Home, February 2009
This is a poem that my son Daniel wrote. I think it's incredibly beautiful. I'm going to print it out and hang it up on my refrigerator, like I did when he was little and still at home with me. When I read it, I feel close to him. And I feel the pull of those mountains that are so much a part of the people that we are.
Peace all. Love to my folks. Love to my mountains and all the folks there that I miss so much.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Father's Special Way
I like to think back now and then to days when I was small.
When I bring back memories, so many good times I recall.
I always see your smiling face, watching me as I'd grow
And as I look ahead in life, I know your love will never go.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my blues away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I think of Christmas mornins when you played ole Santa Claus.
Of all my hardest struggles when you loved me just because.
I know I wasn't easy with all my growin' pains
But nothing seems important now to this love that I have gained.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I'm gettin' older now with children of my own.
I know that I'll be good for them with the parents that I have known.
And when my heart feels heavy or I think my life's all wrong,
I simply think of you and Mom and with strength I carry on.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
Your hand is always holdin' mine in a father's special way.
-----Yours truly, A Father's Special Way, circa 1987
This is a song that I wrote for my dad when my son Daniel was just a little fellow. Jacob wasn't even here yet! (I've revised the words some from its original version). I remember singing this at my church on Father's Day when my parents were visiting. I had a tape of it that I gave to my dad for Father's Day, and I remember how honored I was that I could sing it to him at my little country church in the mountains.
Peace.
When I bring back memories, so many good times I recall.
I always see your smiling face, watching me as I'd grow
And as I look ahead in life, I know your love will never go.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my blues away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I think of Christmas mornins when you played ole Santa Claus.
Of all my hardest struggles when you loved me just because.
I know I wasn't easy with all my growin' pains
But nothing seems important now to this love that I have gained.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
I'm gettin' older now with children of my own.
I know that I'll be good for them with the parents that I have known.
And when my heart feels heavy or I think my life's all wrong,
I simply think of you and Mom and with strength I carry on.
I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.
Your hand is always holdin' mine in a father's special way.
-----Yours truly, A Father's Special Way, circa 1987
This is a song that I wrote for my dad when my son Daniel was just a little fellow. Jacob wasn't even here yet! (I've revised the words some from its original version). I remember singing this at my church on Father's Day when my parents were visiting. I had a tape of it that I gave to my dad for Father's Day, and I remember how honored I was that I could sing it to him at my little country church in the mountains.
Peace.
"I keep going back to the music......."
"I keep going back to the music. All those notes. I keep thinking about all those notes and how they line up. How they work together. It's important to pay attention. You've got to pay attention to all those little notes because if you don't pay attention, they'll pass you by. (Big sigh). There's a lot of love in those notes. A lot of love........"
-----My father, the weekend he was diagnosed with cancer
-----My father, the weekend he was diagnosed with cancer
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My father.......
My father has been diagnosed with cancer in his brain. Two large tumors. They believe that the tumors will probably take him from us soon. Not much time to prepare, but time enough only to love. Time enough only to understand how precious every minute has become.
My father is a beautiful, loving man. Kind. Happy. Open. He's never known a stranger. And so he remains. There are blessings to be found, even in the midst of this sadness that feels so heavy in my heart. He has no pain. And so he is, and we are, spared the agony that so many must endure. He has a hard time processing things now and an even harder time keeping things in his mind. That change came about so quickly. He was a bit forgetful and then suddenly, a part of his mind disconnected from the others. And so he is not anxious or worried or disheartened. All weekend in the hospital, he smiled at everyone who came in the door. He thanked every single person he came in contact with - from the neurologist and the oncologists to the housekeeping folks and the guy who brought his lunch. He looked at each person, sought out their eyes, and when he made eye contact he smiled broadly, said "how are you doing today?", and thanked them for their help. If they were within reach, he touched them. That's my dad.
That's where so much of me comes from.
I don't know how I will do this part of life. I'm not sure how it goes. Do you know what I mean? I know that I am strong and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through this and we'll all be alright. But I just don't know HOW. I am surrounded by so much love, it's almost as if I could pull it up over me and wrap myself inside of it, like a blanket. I think of how many people don't have that. I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful. Gratitude is filling me up these past few days. I was grateful for the beautiful warm day on Sunday. I was grateful for my brothers and sisters and the way we all agreed on my father's care and supported my mom in her decisions. No fighting. A united family. And gratitude spills over into my spirit and rolls down my cheeks in glittering tears. I am so grateful for all these years that I've had with my dad, many I thought I wouldn't. I am so grateful to have celebrated my dad's eightieth birthday with him.
When I had to leave on Sunday to come back to the Eastern Shore, I thought that my heart was going to break open. There are no words for how I felt. I know my mom understood because she felt that way so many times when she had to leave her own mom and dad in New Jersey and pull out of the driveway to head back to North Carolina. My mom's understanding helped me. I couldn't speak as we turned onto US 1. Scott drove. He didn't speak. He didn't make me speak. He just held my hand and listened to the songs I played on the car stereo - one of the ways I cry. And I was so grateful for that warm hand to hold. And the ability to cry in my strange way of crying - singing songs that speak for me.
In the days ahead, the tears of gratitude will be sweet grace, and angels will be all around me and my family, and especially my father. The angels know him well. He is one of them.
Peace all.
PS - If you can, hug your father today with love and intention. If you can't, hug your kid instead. And if you can't do either - hug a complete stranger in honor of the people who brought you into this world.
My father is a beautiful, loving man. Kind. Happy. Open. He's never known a stranger. And so he remains. There are blessings to be found, even in the midst of this sadness that feels so heavy in my heart. He has no pain. And so he is, and we are, spared the agony that so many must endure. He has a hard time processing things now and an even harder time keeping things in his mind. That change came about so quickly. He was a bit forgetful and then suddenly, a part of his mind disconnected from the others. And so he is not anxious or worried or disheartened. All weekend in the hospital, he smiled at everyone who came in the door. He thanked every single person he came in contact with - from the neurologist and the oncologists to the housekeeping folks and the guy who brought his lunch. He looked at each person, sought out their eyes, and when he made eye contact he smiled broadly, said "how are you doing today?", and thanked them for their help. If they were within reach, he touched them. That's my dad.
That's where so much of me comes from.
I don't know how I will do this part of life. I'm not sure how it goes. Do you know what I mean? I know that I am strong and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through this and we'll all be alright. But I just don't know HOW. I am surrounded by so much love, it's almost as if I could pull it up over me and wrap myself inside of it, like a blanket. I think of how many people don't have that. I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful. Gratitude is filling me up these past few days. I was grateful for the beautiful warm day on Sunday. I was grateful for my brothers and sisters and the way we all agreed on my father's care and supported my mom in her decisions. No fighting. A united family. And gratitude spills over into my spirit and rolls down my cheeks in glittering tears. I am so grateful for all these years that I've had with my dad, many I thought I wouldn't. I am so grateful to have celebrated my dad's eightieth birthday with him.
When I had to leave on Sunday to come back to the Eastern Shore, I thought that my heart was going to break open. There are no words for how I felt. I know my mom understood because she felt that way so many times when she had to leave her own mom and dad in New Jersey and pull out of the driveway to head back to North Carolina. My mom's understanding helped me. I couldn't speak as we turned onto US 1. Scott drove. He didn't speak. He didn't make me speak. He just held my hand and listened to the songs I played on the car stereo - one of the ways I cry. And I was so grateful for that warm hand to hold. And the ability to cry in my strange way of crying - singing songs that speak for me.
In the days ahead, the tears of gratitude will be sweet grace, and angels will be all around me and my family, and especially my father. The angels know him well. He is one of them.
Peace all.
PS - If you can, hug your father today with love and intention. If you can't, hug your kid instead. And if you can't do either - hug a complete stranger in honor of the people who brought you into this world.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Surviving the Winter......
Ah, it's that time of year again! Here we go! It's the start of a week of celebrating and connecting and laughing and singing and playing and eating and sleeping late....... it's how I survive the winter. I'll explain:
Twelve or thirteen years ago, I decided that what my winter needed was some kind of event to mark that I was half way through the winter, to celebrate winter's passing, to ease the weariness and the post-holiday let-down, to give me a little boost before wading into the muck and deep and dark of the longest month of the year - February. I struggle through winter most years. And by the time February comes around I am so weary of the winter. I am tired of hibernating, I am tired of cold, I am tired of dark evenings and I am especially tired of that winter blue, which is the heaviest blue of all.
So I started having this annual "event" back in about 1996. The first couple of years it was very small. Mostly a small group of women friends, we got together for an evening party and danced and ate and sang and talked and laughed and drank a bit too much! In essence, we had a blast! Then I bought my house in Morganton. It is a great house and it has a lot of room. So sometime around 1998 or 1999, the party started its metamorphosis into a weekend long event.
I go to a music school every summer called the Swannanoa Gathering. This past summer was my 12th or 13th year!! There's a whole group of us, all singer-songwriters, who attend the Gathering every summer. It's like a cross between a family reunion, a summer camp, and a huge week-long jam session, with a couple of classes with some of our heroes thrown in for good measure. The Swannanoa Gathering changed my entire life. Really it did. (But that is a whole 'nother story!!) After my first year or two at the Gathering, I decided I didn't want to go a whole year without seeing my friends there, my partners in crime again. So I started inviting all of them to the winter get-together. The music soon took over the event and became its focus!
So next weekend is THE weekend. The Annual Surviving the Winter Party. Tim's coming from Minnesota (I haven't heard from Karl yet), Jon from Rhode Island and Phyllis from South Carolina. JC from Charlotte and Mary Gordon from Charlottesville. Mike from Roanoke, Greg from Salem, Allen from Asheville. And of course Daniel and Jacob will both be there. Bobbi and Steve are coming. So it's a celebration with everything I love right there with me! Only thing missing is my folks!! My sons, my best friends, good food, good fun and music music music!
Celebrations, however, start tonight. Jacob is 21 tomorrow. Tonight he's having a huge triple keg party! I've been invited! (Hell yes I'm going!! Think I'd miss this!) I haven't been to a college keg party in........... let's just say it's been a long time. Tomorrow all my brothers and sisters and a bunch of the nieces and nephews are getting together to celebrate January birthdays (Jacob's, mine, Tim's). I'm off on Monday and will head back to the Eastern Shore then. I only work two days and then I'm off again! (I sure do love vacation days!). Tim from Minnesota and Phyllis from South Carolina will be here Thursday, the rest of the crowd Friday.
For all you folks on the Eastern Shore, we're doing a concert at the Blarney Stone on Friday night, the 16th. Come on out! If you like original music, you'll love this group of friends! It's a way to celebrate! It's a way to Survive the Winter. And you can come and celebrate anything you want. I'm celebrating the reunion of a group of folks I love deeply! And we all need something to celebrate before we head into February! It'll make you smile!
Hope to see you there!
Peace.
Twelve or thirteen years ago, I decided that what my winter needed was some kind of event to mark that I was half way through the winter, to celebrate winter's passing, to ease the weariness and the post-holiday let-down, to give me a little boost before wading into the muck and deep and dark of the longest month of the year - February. I struggle through winter most years. And by the time February comes around I am so weary of the winter. I am tired of hibernating, I am tired of cold, I am tired of dark evenings and I am especially tired of that winter blue, which is the heaviest blue of all.
So I started having this annual "event" back in about 1996. The first couple of years it was very small. Mostly a small group of women friends, we got together for an evening party and danced and ate and sang and talked and laughed and drank a bit too much! In essence, we had a blast! Then I bought my house in Morganton. It is a great house and it has a lot of room. So sometime around 1998 or 1999, the party started its metamorphosis into a weekend long event.
I go to a music school every summer called the Swannanoa Gathering. This past summer was my 12th or 13th year!! There's a whole group of us, all singer-songwriters, who attend the Gathering every summer. It's like a cross between a family reunion, a summer camp, and a huge week-long jam session, with a couple of classes with some of our heroes thrown in for good measure. The Swannanoa Gathering changed my entire life. Really it did. (But that is a whole 'nother story!!) After my first year or two at the Gathering, I decided I didn't want to go a whole year without seeing my friends there, my partners in crime again. So I started inviting all of them to the winter get-together. The music soon took over the event and became its focus!
So next weekend is THE weekend. The Annual Surviving the Winter Party. Tim's coming from Minnesota (I haven't heard from Karl yet), Jon from Rhode Island and Phyllis from South Carolina. JC from Charlotte and Mary Gordon from Charlottesville. Mike from Roanoke, Greg from Salem, Allen from Asheville. And of course Daniel and Jacob will both be there. Bobbi and Steve are coming. So it's a celebration with everything I love right there with me! Only thing missing is my folks!! My sons, my best friends, good food, good fun and music music music!
Celebrations, however, start tonight. Jacob is 21 tomorrow. Tonight he's having a huge triple keg party! I've been invited! (Hell yes I'm going!! Think I'd miss this!) I haven't been to a college keg party in........... let's just say it's been a long time. Tomorrow all my brothers and sisters and a bunch of the nieces and nephews are getting together to celebrate January birthdays (Jacob's, mine, Tim's). I'm off on Monday and will head back to the Eastern Shore then. I only work two days and then I'm off again! (I sure do love vacation days!). Tim from Minnesota and Phyllis from South Carolina will be here Thursday, the rest of the crowd Friday.
For all you folks on the Eastern Shore, we're doing a concert at the Blarney Stone on Friday night, the 16th. Come on out! If you like original music, you'll love this group of friends! It's a way to celebrate! It's a way to Survive the Winter. And you can come and celebrate anything you want. I'm celebrating the reunion of a group of folks I love deeply! And we all need something to celebrate before we head into February! It'll make you smile!
Hope to see you there!
Peace.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New Years Resolutions - again!!
I made the obligatory list of New Year's Resolutions again this year. But with much more good intention than in years past. I mean, I really want to do these things! Really I do! It's just that.......
So eight days into the New Year I'll give you a current scoring on how I'm doing:
1. Drink more water. Score - fair. I've had water every day so far this new year. Just not a lot of it on most days as is my intent. But better than no water at all.
2. Drink only one Diet Dr. Pepper a day. Score - ah well, not so good. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to 'em. They are my main source of caffeine. And I just love the fizz and the taste and the little Diet Dr. Pepper buzz. So I had one day so far I had none, two days I had only one and the other days I had the two I'd cut back to last year........ I'll just keep trying.
3. Walk. Score - zippo. But it's been raining and stuff. (I know I know!! Excuses excuses!)
4. Talk to my kids every day. Score - good but I want it to be great. I waiver between wanting to talk to them every day and not wanting to intrude on their lives. It's funny - they never ever seem to mind when I call. And if they're busy, they either talk quickly or they let me speak to their voice mail. So I'm not sure why I worry about it. I like talking to them every day. They like talking to me every day. So as the old/new saying goes - just do it!
5. Play out (do more gigs). Score - good. Scott and I played at First Wednesday last night. I had such anxiety beforehand. Driving the short distance from Willis Wharf to the Great Machipongo Clam Shack - I just felt like I was going to puke! It was terrible. Scott's presence and smiling face helped so much. I just stepped into a small circle of light with him in it and asked for a bubble of protection from any bad feelings that might be sent our way. And you know - like my friend Cindy always told me - if you need it, you got to ask the universe for it and the universe will provide! And it did! (I asked God. Thanks, Sir.) So we played and it felt good once I got started and got past the nerves. I knew at some point in time I would have to confront those feelings and those demons and, in the end, the worst of the demons left before I ever sang and the biggest of the demons got very small and quiet then left. So I will try to keep this resolution and just get out there and play. Sing. Play with Scott. Play with Hungar's Creek Bluegrass band sometimes. Play solo. Stop being afraid.
6. Do the Upper Room daily devotional thing. Score - less than fair but not a complete failure! I didn't get the book until Sunday. So I did five days worth in one day. Now I'm a couple of days behind again. I'll get there. Or at least I think I will.
7. Fast from sunrise till sundown on Thursdays. Score - we've only had two Thursdays so far in 2009; the first was the 1st and a holiday you know so no fasting that day, and then today, I literally just forgot and ate a big breakfast which is another New Year's resolution!! Crap!! I can be such a ditz sometimes! New Year's resolutions are tough on those of us with perimenopausal brains. Guess I'll need to put a note on my front door or on the kitchen counter to remind myself that I'm planning on fasting on Thursdays. It's a spiritual exercise and one to remind me of what I have and others have not - just in case you were wondering.
8. Write - more songs, more poetry, journal, blog!! Score - well, that depends. I'm not sure if it counts if I write only in my own head. I've got at least six songs going on in there right now and a couple of poems. I think probably I need to count it when it makes it to the outside world! This whole part of a song came to me last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Just started forming its little self inside my brain and taking shape right there before my tired eyes. And I still remember it this morning. So I'd best get to work on it with a guitar in hand!! This is the first time I've written anything on the blog this year - not so swift on that score. And my journal (s) are out and waiting patiently. Just need to........ you know the drill - laundry, supper, dishes, play some tunes, practice the banjo, practice the mandolin, knit........... I forget. Or I just run out of time!
My other New Year's resolutions either have components not applicable yet (like planting lots of flowers in my yard this spring and summer) or are too soon to tell (like go visit my parents at least once a month and call them at least once, if not twice, a week - the calling I've got a superior rating on so far and I'm headed to Raleigh this weekend so..... so far, so good!).
And the resolutions about my diet - learn how to eat breakfast, eat more grains and fruits and vegetables, yada yada - I'll just have to take that a little at a time. (Yes, yada yada is actually one of my many New Year's Resolutions!)
9. I think the softest New Year's Resolution I made and probably the easiest and then maybe the hardest is to love Scott with a love that just flows......... Score so far - 100%. He makes it easy. He is a source of great joy to me. And when I am in the center of my peace, he is there, too. It's my greatest hope for 2009 that we continue to just flow - strong, steady, easy.
Peace.
So eight days into the New Year I'll give you a current scoring on how I'm doing:
1. Drink more water. Score - fair. I've had water every day so far this new year. Just not a lot of it on most days as is my intent. But better than no water at all.
2. Drink only one Diet Dr. Pepper a day. Score - ah well, not so good. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to 'em. They are my main source of caffeine. And I just love the fizz and the taste and the little Diet Dr. Pepper buzz. So I had one day so far I had none, two days I had only one and the other days I had the two I'd cut back to last year........ I'll just keep trying.
3. Walk. Score - zippo. But it's been raining and stuff. (I know I know!! Excuses excuses!)
4. Talk to my kids every day. Score - good but I want it to be great. I waiver between wanting to talk to them every day and not wanting to intrude on their lives. It's funny - they never ever seem to mind when I call. And if they're busy, they either talk quickly or they let me speak to their voice mail. So I'm not sure why I worry about it. I like talking to them every day. They like talking to me every day. So as the old/new saying goes - just do it!
5. Play out (do more gigs). Score - good. Scott and I played at First Wednesday last night. I had such anxiety beforehand. Driving the short distance from Willis Wharf to the Great Machipongo Clam Shack - I just felt like I was going to puke! It was terrible. Scott's presence and smiling face helped so much. I just stepped into a small circle of light with him in it and asked for a bubble of protection from any bad feelings that might be sent our way. And you know - like my friend Cindy always told me - if you need it, you got to ask the universe for it and the universe will provide! And it did! (I asked God. Thanks, Sir.) So we played and it felt good once I got started and got past the nerves. I knew at some point in time I would have to confront those feelings and those demons and, in the end, the worst of the demons left before I ever sang and the biggest of the demons got very small and quiet then left. So I will try to keep this resolution and just get out there and play. Sing. Play with Scott. Play with Hungar's Creek Bluegrass band sometimes. Play solo. Stop being afraid.
6. Do the Upper Room daily devotional thing. Score - less than fair but not a complete failure! I didn't get the book until Sunday. So I did five days worth in one day. Now I'm a couple of days behind again. I'll get there. Or at least I think I will.
7. Fast from sunrise till sundown on Thursdays. Score - we've only had two Thursdays so far in 2009; the first was the 1st and a holiday you know so no fasting that day, and then today, I literally just forgot and ate a big breakfast which is another New Year's resolution!! Crap!! I can be such a ditz sometimes! New Year's resolutions are tough on those of us with perimenopausal brains. Guess I'll need to put a note on my front door or on the kitchen counter to remind myself that I'm planning on fasting on Thursdays. It's a spiritual exercise and one to remind me of what I have and others have not - just in case you were wondering.
8. Write - more songs, more poetry, journal, blog!! Score - well, that depends. I'm not sure if it counts if I write only in my own head. I've got at least six songs going on in there right now and a couple of poems. I think probably I need to count it when it makes it to the outside world! This whole part of a song came to me last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Just started forming its little self inside my brain and taking shape right there before my tired eyes. And I still remember it this morning. So I'd best get to work on it with a guitar in hand!! This is the first time I've written anything on the blog this year - not so swift on that score. And my journal (s) are out and waiting patiently. Just need to........ you know the drill - laundry, supper, dishes, play some tunes, practice the banjo, practice the mandolin, knit........... I forget. Or I just run out of time!
My other New Year's resolutions either have components not applicable yet (like planting lots of flowers in my yard this spring and summer) or are too soon to tell (like go visit my parents at least once a month and call them at least once, if not twice, a week - the calling I've got a superior rating on so far and I'm headed to Raleigh this weekend so..... so far, so good!).
And the resolutions about my diet - learn how to eat breakfast, eat more grains and fruits and vegetables, yada yada - I'll just have to take that a little at a time. (Yes, yada yada is actually one of my many New Year's Resolutions!)
9. I think the softest New Year's Resolution I made and probably the easiest and then maybe the hardest is to love Scott with a love that just flows......... Score so far - 100%. He makes it easy. He is a source of great joy to me. And when I am in the center of my peace, he is there, too. It's my greatest hope for 2009 that we continue to just flow - strong, steady, easy.
Peace.
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