My dad...........

Romer Stevens, Jr.
May 19, 1928 - February 28, 2009

He loved me all my life. Even when I was a wild, out-of-control teenager, he loved me even then. Even in the midst of my hardest times, there has always been a part of me that knew that I would somehow pull through, that I was going to be alright - that came from my dad. And, even now, when it feels like something is broken inside of me, I know that I'm going to be alright.

When you love someone as much as I love my father, there really never is a good-bye. He is and always will be right here with me, in me, part of me. When I sing, when I listen to a beautiful piece of music, when I look into the eyes of my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews - there he is!

Love is a precious thing. I am so very grateful to have been loved so well and to have had the chance to love like that in return.

Go with God, Dad. I love you. I love. Thank you.

Peace all.

Go With God................

Day by day, you slip away
Down a path that I can't follow,
On a journey you alone must make.
And I believe you walk with peace,
But I want to hold you tightly
Letting go makes my spirit ache.

I know that sorrow this deep
Only comes from love deeper still
You have loved me well.

I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face
So go with God.

I had a dream, your soul was free
And I could see you flying
With wings that held the colors of the rainbow.
Your voice was strong and raised in song
And it rolled across the valley
And it wrapped itself around me
And soothed my soul.

And when I woke with the sunrise
I could see your colors in the dawn.
I could hear your song.

And I can't imagine life without you.
I don't know how to let go with grace.
But you walk a path now that's holy
And the light of love is shining on your face.
So go with God.
-----Yours truly, Go With God

For my dear, sweet, loving father. February 20, 2009. I love you, Dad.

Peace.

Haunted.........

How do you go about getting someone to leave you alone? It's a hard thing to do when it's a hard person. Particularly if they are determined to NOT leave you alone but to keep poking at you. Not often, but just often enough to keep the sore place from healing over. Little pokes. "Just being nice." But it's not nice - you know what I mean?

I've tried asking....... that obviously didn't work. I put blocks up in my email program. I moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. But mail comes to me anyway. In a small community, it doesn't matter if the address line is empty - the mail will find you.

It's like being haunted. And I want to be free of this ghost. Or at least free enough that I don't feel fear and anxiety every time I open up my mailbox (on line or at the post office). He doesn't understand what happens to me....... or maybe he does. If he really is a nice guy, is it so much to ask to just be left alone? Like really left alone. Like forever leave me alone!! I don't know anymore. I thought about asking. But the reaction of my physical body to even the thought of that is sooo strong. Probably not a good idea. I'd be liable to barf on my shoes. Or pee myself.

It's like being haunted.

If anyone out there knows a good exorcist, send him on down to Willis Wharf.

It's just like being haunted.

Peace.

A Sweet Valentines Story......

My younger brother Eric called my mom yesterday afternoon to tell her he was on the way to her house. He said, "I'm going to call you when I pull in the driveway and you have to go upstairs and wait until I tell you to come back down." And so he did, and she went upstairs as she was asked. A bit later, he called up the stairs and told her she could come down again. My brother had gotten my father up and walked him into the kitchen and had him sitting up at the kitchen table with a dozen red roses and a Valentine's Day card for my mom, from my dad. My mom was very touched. She said she thought my dad was more surprised than she was! My dad had forgotten that it was Valentine's Day. The cancer has taken away much of his memory, especially of recent things. He always got my mom something special, and so, by way of my sweet little brother, he did again.

I come from a lot of love. Happy Valentine's Day!

Peace.

My Eternal Appalachian Home

My Eternal Appalachian Home

High up above these mountains,
where time stands still
in the silence of snow.
I will float on in notes.

My melody will meld
with that of the forest
and become a deafening roar
that rolls down the valley below.

And the rhododendrons
will turn in bloom to listen
and the giant oaks,
that strain against valley floors
to catch a glimpse of the sun,
will chime in unison with my song.

The pines will weep
tears of tar and joy,
and the hemlocks
and other evergreens,
steadfast in their own schedule,
will hold my note
when it becomes but a winter whisper.

And as the clouds roll in
to make islands of these mountains
and the silence of snow
sings it’s own song

I will float on in notes.
Held above the hills
gathering like a flock
waiting for springs warmth
to fill the valleys with music,
a millennia of melodies
-----Daniel Perry, My Eternal Appalachian Home, February 2009

This is a poem that my son Daniel wrote. I think it's incredibly beautiful. I'm going to print it out and hang it up on my refrigerator, like I did when he was little and still at home with me. When I read it, I feel close to him. And I feel the pull of those mountains that are so much a part of the people that we are.

Peace all. Love to my folks. Love to my mountains and all the folks there that I miss so much.

A Father's Special Way

I like to think back now and then to days when I was small.
When I bring back memories, so many good times I recall.
I always see your smiling face, watching me as I'd grow
And as I look ahead in life, I know your love will never go.

I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my blues away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.

I think of Christmas mornins when you played ole Santa Claus.
Of all my hardest struggles when you loved me just because.
I know I wasn't easy with all my growin' pains
But nothing seems important now to this love that I have gained.

I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.

I'm gettin' older now with children of my own.
I know that I'll be good for them with the parents that I have known.
And when my heart feels heavy or I think my life's all wrong,
I simply think of you and Mom and with strength I carry on.

I thank you for the love you've given since the first day of my life.
I thank you for the freedom when my restless heart took flight.
But, most of all, I thank you for the music in my soul.
It warms my heart like sunshine when my days are dark and cold.
And when my soul starts singing just to chase my fear away,
I feel your hand still holdin' mine in a father's special way.

Your hand is always holdin' mine in a father's special way.

-----Yours truly, A Father's Special Way, circa 1987

This is a song that I wrote for my dad when my son Daniel was just a little fellow. Jacob wasn't even here yet! (I've revised the words some from its original version). I remember singing this at my church on Father's Day when my parents were visiting. I had a tape of it that I gave to my dad for Father's Day, and I remember how honored I was that I could sing it to him at my little country church in the mountains.

Peace.

"I keep going back to the music......."

"I keep going back to the music. All those notes. I keep thinking about all those notes and how they line up. How they work together. It's important to pay attention. You've got to pay attention to all those little notes because if you don't pay attention, they'll pass you by. (Big sigh). There's a lot of love in those notes. A lot of love........"
-----My father, the weekend he was diagnosed with cancer

My father.......

My father has been diagnosed with cancer in his brain. Two large tumors. They believe that the tumors will probably take him from us soon. Not much time to prepare, but time enough only to love. Time enough only to understand how precious every minute has become.

My father is a beautiful, loving man. Kind. Happy. Open. He's never known a stranger. And so he remains. There are blessings to be found, even in the midst of this sadness that feels so heavy in my heart. He has no pain. And so he is, and we are, spared the agony that so many must endure. He has a hard time processing things now and an even harder time keeping things in his mind. That change came about so quickly. He was a bit forgetful and then suddenly, a part of his mind disconnected from the others. And so he is not anxious or worried or disheartened. All weekend in the hospital, he smiled at everyone who came in the door. He thanked every single person he came in contact with - from the neurologist and the oncologists to the housekeeping folks and the guy who brought his lunch. He looked at each person, sought out their eyes, and when he made eye contact he smiled broadly, said "how are you doing today?", and thanked them for their help. If they were within reach, he touched them. That's my dad.

That's where so much of me comes from.

I don't know how I will do this part of life. I'm not sure how it goes. Do you know what I mean? I know that I am strong and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through this and we'll all be alright. But I just don't know HOW. I am surrounded by so much love, it's almost as if I could pull it up over me and wrap myself inside of it, like a blanket. I think of how many people don't have that. I am so incredibly lucky. I am so grateful. Gratitude is filling me up these past few days. I was grateful for the beautiful warm day on Sunday. I was grateful for my brothers and sisters and the way we all agreed on my father's care and supported my mom in her decisions. No fighting. A united family. And gratitude spills over into my spirit and rolls down my cheeks in glittering tears. I am so grateful for all these years that I've had with my dad, many I thought I wouldn't. I am so grateful to have celebrated my dad's eightieth birthday with him.

When I had to leave on Sunday to come back to the Eastern Shore, I thought that my heart was going to break open. There are no words for how I felt. I know my mom understood because she felt that way so many times when she had to leave her own mom and dad in New Jersey and pull out of the driveway to head back to North Carolina. My mom's understanding helped me. I couldn't speak as we turned onto US 1. Scott drove. He didn't speak. He didn't make me speak. He just held my hand and listened to the songs I played on the car stereo - one of the ways I cry. And I was so grateful for that warm hand to hold. And the ability to cry in my strange way of crying - singing songs that speak for me.

In the days ahead, the tears of gratitude will be sweet grace, and angels will be all around me and my family, and especially my father. The angels know him well. He is one of them.

Peace all.

PS - If you can, hug your father today with love and intention. If you can't, hug your kid instead. And if you can't do either - hug a complete stranger in honor of the people who brought you into this world.