A word about grace.......

"The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you."
----- Frederick Buechner

Isn't that way cool?

Amazing Grace.......

I had an incredible experience this weekend - one of those life-changing experiences. It was so amazing that I don't even know how to describe it or explain it. I only know that I am different now. I only know that much sadness has been lifted from my spirit. I only know that I was witness to such kindness, tender care, love, and faith that I understand at the very deepest level of my being that I have seen Grace. Amazing Grace.

I will not preach. I will not try to force the experience on anyone else. I will not try to make you understand it. I will only tell you that God is good. Life is good. I feel peaceful for the first time in a very long time. And that's why I moved to the Eastern Shore!! To find peace. I felt so strongly when I made the decision to come here that this might be a place where I could find peace. And I was right.

And I haven't even gone to Russia yet!! Imagine what I'll experience there!! I can hardly wait. I am so ready for the trip now - so prepared. I guess I needed this weekend a whole lot more than I thought. It's hard to shine a light for others when you're carrying so much sadness and shame inside yourself. I needed to find some wings. And a wonderful, loving community of people held them out to me and said, "Here, girl. Fly!!"

So fly I will.

Gratitude is a wonderful thing. It will change your life - it's changing mine - every day!! (and I'm about as stubborn as any mule you'll ever find!). Thank you all.
Peace.

The things we do for love..........

I was at the church last night, working with a handful of folks on the Children's Hope Chest Mission team, packing up the suitcases we'll be taking with us on the trip to Russia next Saturday - we've packed 22 so far, 18 more to go. All of the checked bags will be filled with all of the things we're taking to the kids in the orphanages. It's amazing to see all the things that we have to take. And even more amazing to see it being packed!!

While we were packing, one of the women there was ribbing her husband about how long it was taking him to do a task she'd given him to do. It was actually pretty funny, and he took it well. He looked at me and said, "See what I have to put up with?!" My normal response would have been something smart-assed like "Reason # 915 not to get married!" But I didn't say that last night. I just laughed, too. I actually like being around the two of them. I think they have a good marriage and make a good team. Of course, I only see the outside and you never know what things might really be like, but, I really do think they have a lot of love there. And it got me to thinking about the things we do for love. And I've been thinking about that all day. I've been thinking about the thousands of stories I've heard as I've sat quietly and listened to my patients. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff folks get themselves into.

I was telling a friend of mine earlier today that I am a penultimate voyeur. I am always watching. I love to watch! People fascinate me. People's relationships fascinate me. I have found that watching is easier and a helluvalot more entertaining than trying to do it myself. (That's my excuse for today, anyway). But, by watching, I think you do learn. Sometimes you learn things that prove to be incredibly valuable. Sometimes you learn things that'll only get you deeper in trouble in the end!

It seems that so much of the trouble I see stems out of this search for love thing. Sexual love, platonic love, family love. But then, too, comes much good.

This is just for starters. The things we do for love:
We abdicate, adore, anger and agonize. We bite, bitch, beg, borrow, bicker, and berate. We conquer, chastize, chase, captivate and coerce. We demand, demean, degrade, and dictate, but we also delight and dedicate our whole heart sometimes. We examine things in detail and extract great joy out of small things. We fuss and fight and forgive and forget. We gyrate, gesticulate, gawk, and gaze in wonder. We hold, help, and seek harmony, but we also harbor resentment and pass down hate (hate and love are brother and sister, sometimes twin faces on opposite sides of the coin). We idealize and idolize and internalize. We justify and jeopordize and juxtapose our own spirit with another. We kick and kill and kiss and keep the secrets of our loved ones close to our chest, guarding them with our very lives. We lie, lay, languish, and long. We make war not peace. We make love not minding about morality, mortality or mystery. We neglect: ourselves, our health, our children, our wallets, our bodies, our minds. We pursue passion purposefully without preparing properly. We pray. We preach. We project and protect. We quiet, quake, and quicken at the sound of our lover's voice. We rescue, respect, redeem, and rejoice. We screw and screw and screw (even if we don't want to! because it's required somehow. I find this to be particularly true with young women - they give it up, give it out, hand it over - not even knowing that what they are offering is more precious than gold and as unretrieveable as a soul lost at sea). We sacrifice, satisfy, and soothe. We sing the songs of our souls. We tantalize, traumatize, and tempt. We touch. We trust. We teach. And we thirst for more touch. We understand and underestimate. We unclothe and undermine. We value, victimize and vindicate. We worship, want, whine, win, and whither our dreams for another. We x-ray events and experiences and we turn X-rated if all our examinations of our PG-13 existence find us still seeking that mysterious "thing" that we seem to seek so intensely. We yearn. We become zealous or overzealous or zealousless, if we can just figure out if we're coming or going; if we have it or not; if we've found it or lost it or are still somewhere on the road in-between.

I am amazed at what people do for love (or sex or connection) - myself included. Though the watcher that I am, I am still quite guilty of many amazing and dramatic blunders.

I suppose it is part of the human condition - this need for love, sex, acceptance, intimacy, entanglement. Seems like sometimes we've made a mess of it. But then, at other times, when I am with those people and couples that challenge my jaded way of thinking - then I see the beauty in the midst of the madness. There are lots of folks I know really - that show me that beautiful side - my mom and dad (55 years married and still counting), Jody and Bates, Kristen and Charles, Laura and Bill, Bobbi and Steve, Laurie and Clark, Tom and Virginia, my brother Eric and his wife Tina, my friend Jon and his wife Kathy (though I've never met Kathy, I know that Jon loves her - it's as plain as the expression on his face when he talks about her!! one of my favorite things about spending time with Jon is seeing that expression when it comes). My son Daniel and his girlfriend Emily - they are still young, yes, and they have their share of arguements and bickering, yes, but there is something very beautiful in their relationship with one another - something that shines through.

So I will close with this thought (a line from one of my songs): "I would say, in my defense, that I have learned love can go wrong. It can wear you down, it can make no sense, but, in the end, love has made me strong".

Love has made me the person that I am. I have had the great privilege to have lived a life, so far, surrounded by love - friends, family, my kids; lovers and strangers, too, each in their way have shown me love and kindness, tenderness and mercy. And so, while sometimes I long for love (or intimacy or sex or touch or tenderness), I see that I do have it. And the longing is soothed. I might not ever have that one true great partner - but I sure do have lots of love.
Peace.

So many things.......

There are just so many things all occuring at the same time. It's hard to even sort out how I feel about all of them, let alone how to write about them. I'll leave at, "Life's a bitch sometimes." That's probably the best summation of all.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day today. I had to force myself to go back to work after lunch. A quick trip to the post office and I was caught up in a heady dose of spring fever and had to draw on every bit of my inmost sense of responsibility to go back inside and work! I wanted to go play - at something!! Anything!! "JUST LET ME OUT!!" The word is that it's supposed to be beautiful again tomorrow and up in the 80's. Then rainy on Sunday but warm. First job of the day tomorrow (if I get to be home and not at the hospital catching babies!!) is to open all the windows and let the fresh warm air in!

There are new windows in the house and more being installed tomorrow and Sunday. (The guys are coming at 8 - so much for sleeping in, even if I don't have to catch babies!!). The new windows are great - no propping them up with sticks, no hoping the screens don't fall out! Just unlatch and lift. It's like........ modern!

Two more weeks till I head to Russia. I went by the church today to pick up one of the guitars that's been donated for us to take over and leave at the orphanage. I wanted to get to know it a little before the trip, let my fingers get used to it. I also wanted to see how much room there was in the case to cram clothes in, rolled up as small as they can get, as the guitar is my carry-on and my carry-on is where my clothes are supposed to be. Kristen and Charles were working away, packing all the things for us to take to the kids. It is an overwhelming, heart-warming site - seeing all those things that people donated. Blankets, crafts, kites, softball bats and gloves and balls, soccer balls, hats, mittens, notebooks, back packs!! The list goes on! Kristen said they were saving room in the checked bags for my clothes and Thelma's (Thelma's carrying on the other guitar), so I don't need to panic about making room for clothes. Thank God! I was having all these visions of having to open the guitar case (a soft case) at the security check and all my underwear flying out!! I don't mind wearing the same pair of jeans for a week, but I will have a clean pair of underwear for everyday!! Hey!! a girl can only limit so much!!

Jacob is well. Daniel turned 24 on Wednesday. I can't believe I have a 24-year-old child! I am praying every day that my knee will carry me through this trip! It's still a mess yet, whatever I did to it. I discovered on Wednesday that I now have to wear glasses when I watch a movie. Bummer. This getting older thing....... man! I'm not liking it a whole lot!

My heart is continually longing for home - in whatever way I can find it. The mountains of North Carolina, the sound of my father's voice singing opera in the shower, the sight of my mother's hands working her knitting needles, the smile on Bobbi's face, Steve's sweet and quiet way, Jacob's full body hugs (he's one of the best huggers in the entire world), Daniel's expressive face and his wonderful playing and singing (in his way that is all his!), the wind through the trees in my front yard, the prayers that Alex prays at church, my friends there. I find myself wondering if I'm ever gonna find the place where I truly belong. And it distresses me sometimes because I often feel like I should have already found it. But may "it" is everywhere. Maybe the most important place to belong is here within my own self and then everywhere I am or go?

If it weren't for family and friends helping me out with this trip, I'd not be able to go, even with a scholarship from the church! I am learning to feel better about reaching out. I'm not Chicken Little anymore and I don't have to do it all myself. I am learning lots of things by making this trip - and I haven't even left yet!!

I'd best get some sleep while there's sleep to be gotten! I'm anticipating the beep-beep-beep at any minute!

Get out in the beautiful day tomorrow so that if I miss it, you can tell me about it.
Peace.

Oh, blessed spring

There are some days too beautiful for words. After days of grey and drizzle and rain and fog and mist and cold, I awoke to a thick mist hovering over all the fields this morning. All I could see from my window was fields covered with mist. Coffee cup in hand, I crawled back under the comforter and drifted back to sleep - wandering out into that mist in my dreams. Now there is a beautiful warm day, clear skies, and a bright sun. Everything has come alive with the green of it. I have all of the windows open. New windows!! at least in the downstairs of the house. The new upstairs windows will be put in this weekend and maybe even the new kitchen windows. The warm air is seeping in. My bones feel better. I don't want to go anywhere!! (I 've got taxes to go pick up and errands to run and doctors to see). I want to go out and lie down in the grass next to the flowers and be still and get warm.

Today is a day too beautiful for words. But, you know me, I'm going to try to find them anyway.

Peace.

Little stacks of scrap paper.......

I had quite a weekend this past weekend. One that ran the whole gamut of female-maternal-family emotions. It was like a roller coaster that you can't get off! Up and down. Worried then relieved. Sad then happy. Filled then strangely empty. Certain then confused. I'll start at the start.....

My kids' dad called me at about 5:30 on Wednesday, just as I was heading out the door for a combination open mic/going away party for Michelle, a woman who had moved here about the same time I did. She is a wonderfully funny, intelligent, talented woman. Younger than me, way prettier, and a great stand-up comedienne. She was leaving Friday to move to Chapel Hill, ready for the world and gainful employment! Dan (my kids' dad) called to tell me that my son Jacob was in the Emergency Room in Chapel Hill with a possible appendicitis. This started a series of phone calls back and forth between my son and me, his dad and me, my other son and me, my parents and me, my sister and me, the ER and me...... on it went until well after midnight. He did not have appendicitis after all. He had acute pancreatitis and was one sick and miserable young man.

I worked Thursday (and it got so busy and some intense and sad things happened there) until 3 (but didn't finish up until after 4), rushed home, threw stuff together to head south, cleaned up the house (one of my obsessions about travelling - you HAVE to leave a clean house), and hit the road just before six. It was, of course, raining. And proceeded to rain for the next 5 hours of driving. I talked to my son, intermittently during the drive, but he was doped up to the hilt and sometimes didn't make much sense! Drove straight to the hospital in Chapel Hill and got there a little after 11. Getting into the hospital to see him was a trip!! They took my driver's license and scanned it into a computer, took my picture like a mug shot!!!, and then plastered a sticker on my chest with said mug shot on it. I wasn't expecting to find him in Critical Care. This unnerved me.

I had little sleep the night before, worked my ass off all day, then drove five hours. I was pretty beat. I had one of those mysterious three beer hangovers, too. One you don't expect but get anyway. Jacob was not a happy camper when I arrived. He was upset about the lack of information he'd been given, unhappy about not being able to eat, tired from being in the ER for - get this all you long-wait-in-the-ER complainers - 12 hours!! (He wasn't even in a room during that time! He wasn't even behind a curtain! He was on a stretcher at the nurses' station!! The nurse himself told me that!). And he still felt like crap. He fell asleep awhile after I got there and after we'd talked to his nurse and got some information about what was happening. He was very anxious about missing classes (that how he is). And, like I said, he still felt like crap. I sat by his bed and watched him sleep and wondered at how so much time has gone by so damn fast. I thought, too, about how beautiful my children are - both of them - to look at, to know. I still can't believe I had anything to do with that!! I can hardly believe I'm their mom!

So bottom line, he's much better now. He was released Friday evening. He had nothing by mouth for two days, then they gave him liquids at lunch, then a cup of ice cream, then for supper macaroni and cheese, boiled carrots, and garlic bread (my God!! it's an epidemic!! this hospital food thing!). No pain thirty minutes later and he was booted out the door! From critical care to the front door to WALK back to campus! And discharge instructions?!! These were his discharge instructions in their entirety - "if you have pain, fever, or vomiting, come back to the ER." That was it!! TODOS! Nothing else. Not even "see your doctor next week." Lord, what were they thinking!! And, to top it all off, THIS is one of North Carolina's premier medical centers!! Yeah, right! Makes me very proud of our little hospital here on the Eastern Shore.

So that's my rant on that. I was furious. I was frustrated. I was scared for him. (I was not there when they discharged him - I would have asked a lot of questions. He's 20. He just wanted out!).

I realized, during the experience, that the letting go has already occured. I know that probably doesn't make much sense but, to me, it does. I mean, I'm still working on letting go. Moms hold on a bit longer (though his dad is a holder-on-er, too). But my son has moved further out than I had let myself understand. And it was an emotional thing for me. I mean....... I really DO have an empty nest now. It's permanent. It's not that I didn't know it before. I just didn't KNOW it before.

I drove from Raleigh back up to Emporia on Saturday (halfway home) to meet with the rest of the mission team making the trip to Russia. There are 20 of us going. There are 11 going to the orphanage in Chentsy and 9 going to the orphanage in Petrovsky. I'm on the Petrovsky team. Four of us on the team live on the Eastern Shore, four live in Danville, and one lives near DC. So it was the first time we'd had the chance to meet each other face-to-face. It went well, I think. It ought to be an incredibly neat experience, sharing this time and this work with this group of people. I'm looking forward to it. We met at a United Methodist Church in Emporia. A group of the women from that church fixed a luncheon for us. And they had pens and pencils on the table for us, and note paper for us to write on, and a stapler and other office supplies. I got a kick out of watching them get our lunch ready and appreciated their warmth and hospitality. But there was something about those little stacks of scrap paper that just moved me so, almost to tears. It was so thoughtful.

After the meeting, I drove back to Raleigh and scrubbed myself up to go out to the Arts Center with my mom and dad for an evening of Italian Opera. The North Carolina Opera company put on the performance. Their orchestra is amazing. The soloists were outstanding. They sang my mother's favorite aria, my father's favorite aria, and my favorite aria. I was sitting there in between my mom and dad, looking from one to the other, and listening to that incredibly beautiful music. And I was thinking about how ill my son had been and how blessedly quick his recovery was coming. And I was thinking about my mom and dad and how precious every moment I have with them has become. And I was thinking about going to Russia and meeting these kids in the orphanage and trying to be a disciple (me - little me, who I thought had so little to offer - I'm going to be able to try to be a good disciple), and then I got to thinking about those little stacks of scrap paper. Then it started. That crying thing. That MOM crying thing. I cried those tears that moms cry. You know, the ones you cry without letting anyone see you crying them. The ones that are made of silver and gold and pure love. The ones that the angels catch before they ever touch the ground. The ones that come from inside your heart not inside your eyes.

I spent several hours with Jacob on Sunday. He's still very tired. Still a little leary of any hint of pain. (It's horrible pain, that pancreatitis stuff). He's a little pale and he's lost weight (and he was already slender!). But he's going to be alright, and that's what matters. That was the hardest leaving to drive home that I've had since I've lived here on the Eastern Shore. I just wanted to stay for awhile longer. Hang out with him. Have a couple more good meals at my mother's table. Sleep in my mom's sewing room, and feel that wonderful relief from the homesickness that I get so often.

Baby, my sweet dog, kept me good company. It was almost like she knew some kind of something was happening. Every little bit, she'd lean her nose up between the two front seats and nudge me just a little. Just letting me know that she adores me no matter what. Dogs are cool that way. They know when you need some extra loving.

I've been battling with my computer for days now and I'm coming to appreciate why some people smash their computers into small pieces with sledge hammers. I had visions of doing just that last night as I was headed to bed. Could imagine the whole scene with great delight. Fortunately for the computer, I cannot afford a new computer or even a computer repair right now, so my computer is safe. (But just for now, you piece of junk!).

Enough of my ramblings for now. Best try to get this onto the blog. Wish me luck. If you see me out running the road with a sledge hammer in my hands and a wild look in my eyes, you'll know what happened!

Peace, each and everyone. It is a long journey - this road to peace. I hope to run into you along the way.

One of Jacob's poems.....

Boating

They are looking down through the glass-bottom boats of heaven
Ignoring the echoing sounds of serenity,
The people and peace of paradise.

They are staring downward with content, longing
To pass the time before forever.
They are hoping to find answers in what they watch,

They are drifting through the fields of Elysium,
Oblivious to the oblivion that surrounds them,
Focusing instead on Earth below,

Just as the rest of us, us still on Earth
Often find ourselves gazing skyward,
Our eyes directed towards the heavens above.
-----Jacob Perry