Thinking out loud: New Years Resolutions

Thursday, January 8, 2009

New Years Resolutions - again!!

I made the obligatory list of New Year's Resolutions again this year. But with much more good intention than in years past. I mean, I really want to do these things! Really I do! It's just that.......

So eight days into the New Year I'll give you a current scoring on how I'm doing:

1. Drink more water. Score - fair. I've had water every day so far this new year. Just not a lot of it on most days as is my intent. But better than no water at all.

2. Drink only one Diet Dr. Pepper a day. Score - ah well, not so good. I'll admit it. I'm addicted to 'em. They are my main source of caffeine. And I just love the fizz and the taste and the little Diet Dr. Pepper buzz. So I had one day so far I had none, two days I had only one and the other days I had the two I'd cut back to last year........ I'll just keep trying.

3. Walk. Score - zippo. But it's been raining and stuff. (I know I know!! Excuses excuses!)

4. Talk to my kids every day. Score - good but I want it to be great. I waiver between wanting to talk to them every day and not wanting to intrude on their lives. It's funny - they never ever seem to mind when I call. And if they're busy, they either talk quickly or they let me speak to their voice mail. So I'm not sure why I worry about it. I like talking to them every day. They like talking to me every day. So as the old/new saying goes - just do it!

5. Play out (do more gigs). Score - good. Scott and I played at First Wednesday last night. I had such anxiety beforehand. Driving the short distance from Willis Wharf to the Great Machipongo Clam Shack - I just felt like I was going to puke! It was terrible. Scott's presence and smiling face helped so much. I just stepped into a small circle of light with him in it and asked for a bubble of protection from any bad feelings that might be sent our way. And you know - like my friend Cindy always told me - if you need it, you got to ask the universe for it and the universe will provide! And it did! (I asked God. Thanks, Sir.) So we played and it felt good once I got started and got past the nerves. I knew at some point in time I would have to confront those feelings and those demons and, in the end, the worst of the demons left before I ever sang and the biggest of the demons got very small and quiet then left. So I will try to keep this resolution and just get out there and play. Sing. Play with Scott. Play with Hungar's Creek Bluegrass band sometimes. Play solo. Stop being afraid.

6. Do the Upper Room daily devotional thing. Score - less than fair but not a complete failure! I didn't get the book until Sunday. So I did five days worth in one day. Now I'm a couple of days behind again. I'll get there. Or at least I think I will.

7. Fast from sunrise till sundown on Thursdays. Score - we've only had two Thursdays so far in 2009; the first was the 1st and a holiday you know so no fasting that day, and then today, I literally just forgot and ate a big breakfast which is another New Year's resolution!! Crap!! I can be such a ditz sometimes! New Year's resolutions are tough on those of us with perimenopausal brains. Guess I'll need to put a note on my front door or on the kitchen counter to remind myself that I'm planning on fasting on Thursdays. It's a spiritual exercise and one to remind me of what I have and others have not - just in case you were wondering.

8. Write - more songs, more poetry, journal, blog!! Score - well, that depends. I'm not sure if it counts if I write only in my own head. I've got at least six songs going on in there right now and a couple of poems. I think probably I need to count it when it makes it to the outside world! This whole part of a song came to me last night when I was trying to go to sleep. Just started forming its little self inside my brain and taking shape right there before my tired eyes. And I still remember it this morning. So I'd best get to work on it with a guitar in hand!! This is the first time I've written anything on the blog this year - not so swift on that score. And my journal (s) are out and waiting patiently. Just need to........ you know the drill - laundry, supper, dishes, play some tunes, practice the banjo, practice the mandolin, knit........... I forget. Or I just run out of time!

My other New Year's resolutions either have components not applicable yet (like planting lots of flowers in my yard this spring and summer) or are too soon to tell (like go visit my parents at least once a month and call them at least once, if not twice, a week - the calling I've got a superior rating on so far and I'm headed to Raleigh this weekend so..... so far, so good!).

And the resolutions about my diet - learn how to eat breakfast, eat more grains and fruits and vegetables, yada yada - I'll just have to take that a little at a time. (Yes, yada yada is actually one of my many New Year's Resolutions!)

9. I think the softest New Year's Resolution I made and probably the easiest and then maybe the hardest is to love Scott with a love that just flows......... Score so far - 100%. He makes it easy. He is a source of great joy to me. And when I am in the center of my peace, he is there, too. It's my greatest hope for 2009 that we continue to just flow - strong, steady, easy.

Peace.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: Diet Dr. Pepper is great, but I still go for diet Sundrop most of the time for my caffeine. Lately I've taken to buying diet A&W Rootbeer for drinking at supper, since it has no caffeine. Seriously, the stuff tastes as good as the regular rootbeer (if you like rootbeer). I'm embarrassed to say that I've even made rootbeer floats with diet A&W. I know, what's the point? But it is GOOD!

Re: your music. If you can get any of your newer tunes to me (via a CD or even a link to some online storage site), I can see what I can do about putting some on your website. You still have about 70MB of disk space, which will hold several mp3s.; January 8, 2009 at 6:50 PM
miaxapa said...: This is Michael... The guy who said" I will remember your name." Just dropped in to say how impressed and apparently mesmerized I was by your song nowhere. Nice rendition of Tecumseh Valley. My friend tina/miriam poked me in the side to return me to consciousness. Asked if I was ok...Nice job! See you round the shore.; January 9, 2009 at 6:58 PM
I'm not Lisa said...: Thanks, Michael! If you'd like to hear some really great music and you're out and about on Friday night, the 16th - head on up to the Blarney Stone for an evening of singer-songwriters from as close as Willis Wharf to as far off as Minnesota. I've got a whole crowd of friends coming into town for an event I've dubbed the Annual Surviving the Winter Party. This year will make it about twelve or more years we've gotten together, mid-January. Since I moved to the Eastern Shore, we've added the Friday night concert at the Blarney Stone into the fun! We're a crowd of singer-songwriters. It will be a great night of music and lots of fun! I hope you can come! And spread the word.

PS - I love Townes Van Zandt's music. Thanks for the boost - I needed it!; January 10, 2009 at 11:59 AM

Song Lyrics of the Week (or maybe the day)

I've been walking down a solitary road.

Looking for some open door, some comfort from this cold.

And I have been afraid I'd lose my hope

But now I know hope will survive.

I've been searching for a heart that is like mine.

A little taste of peacefulness is all I'd hope to find.

So I looked into the eyes of my child

And when he smiled, I could see it shine.

I do believe the dawn will follow the night fall

And I will not have to walk this road alone.

In the voices of my friends, I hear a light call

And the sweetness of that sound will lead me home.

Love is waiting there for me, it's in the pictures on my wall.

I hear it in my grandpa's clock ticking down my hall.

It's underneath the quilt my grammy sewed

And the sweet songs that I've know since I was a child.

I do believe that joy will come to find me.

And I'll know again how that pleasure feels.

And the scars that I bear are here to remind me

That I may love and lose but I will heal.

-----yours truly, Hope Will Survive

Gratitude Journal (a New Year's Resolution)

I am grateful for the many times that I have survived depression.
I am grateful for the memories I have of Morganton and our house there - the house where Jacob and Daniel and I grew up, and the many great times I had in that lovely space.
I am grateful for the red maple leaves blazing in my front yard and the few short weeks I have left to say, "Oh! look at that!" when I step out the front door.
I am grateful that I have learned to be alone and at peace with my own company.
I am grateful for the book of Job. One cannot feel sorry for one's self for very long whilst reading Job. And for that I am quite grateful, as I'm feeling sorry for myself today.
I am grateful for the opportunity I had to play music with Scott and Ken and Mary. Our group was a wonderful thing.
I am grateful for patience.
I am grateful for my nephew Matt and for the man he became in his recovery. I am grateful for the relationship that we've developed and the love that we share.
I am grateful for the sound of my father's voice - the way it echoes still.
I am grateful for dreams of the mountains.
I am grateful that I knew a part of Scott that was good and true before all the other stuff happened. It gives me the place to start forgiving and letting go.
I am grateful for my friends Jon, Lorna, and Bruce.
I am grateful for the week I had to sit by the ocean and listen to that ancient, pounding sound.
I am grateful for friendships that span miles and years.
I am grateful for giggling! You should hear my sisters and my little brother and my sons and me - we all giggle the same!
I am grateful for love that came later in life, even though it would not stay here with me and even though it broke my heart. I am still grateful that I knew it and it knew me.
I am grateful for my music and the way it saves me.
I am grateful for tears.
I am grateful for the voices of my sisters. They sound so much like my own, it surprises me everytime!
I am grateful for the way my kids hug me - with love and intention, warmth and honesty.
I am grateful for the beautiful, warm day yesterday (2/8/09) and the opportunity to sit out in the sun with my dad.
I am constantly touched and amazed and humbled by the courage of others. Thank you for that. Thank you to the young man who waited on our table down in Chapel Hill. Your courage inspires my own!

Good Music

If you haven't heard these albums, have a listen. You'll be glad you did:

Jon Zachary, Turn on a Point ("The Ballad of the Piper Cub" is indeed a very very fine song and an artist rendering on forgiveness. Worth listening to about a thousand times or more.)

Mary Gordon Hall, Wine Glasses and Wooden Spoons (with Christmas coming, listen to "Babe Alone", incredibly beautiful song)

Danny Ellis, 800 Voices (listen to "800 Voices" or "Tommy Bonner" first and read the liner notes, this is powerful music and will heal you way down inside if you open yourself up and let it)

Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings, The Harrow & The Harvest ("Hard Times" is my current favorite song!)

Patty Griffin, Children Passing Through ("Up to the Mountain" is a song that I play and belt out when I think that I can't go on anymore.)

I could go on for days!!

My thoughts on finding pathways to peace

I have found that lavender candles or vanilla candles help. I light them when the sun goes down and I blow them out when I go to bed. Especially in the dark of the winter, that soft light soothes me and helps me feel centered. The vanilla reminds me of my grandmother's house when I was a little girl and the cookies, cakes, or pies she would bake when we came to visit. Lavender reminds me of the fields of summer and sitting on the edge of Linville Gorge watching the sun set. I never smelled lavender there but every time I smell it, I think of summer and the Gorge and the many days in my nineteenth, twentieth and twenty-first years that I spent there.

It is often easy to set aside a hurt or an offense or a wrong doing that someone throws my way, intentionally or not. Most of us, I think, can set things aside, take a deep breath, control our tempers. The harder part is to leave it aside! To not allow ourselves to take it back up again and carry it around like some sort of blazing badge upon our chests. Letting go means leaving it behind. That's a hard task sometimes. I have found that taking things back up again or carrying them on and on and on significantly diminishes my peace potential. So how do I keep from picking things back up again? Injecting either humor or music into situations of conflict helps me a lot. i try to talk things out with someone I trust and I try to make it funny if I can. I love to tell a story and the funnier the better. I try to make big hurts into little hurts by breaking them up with humor. I also will send a little sound clip in most all the time. I have a constant, unending, soundtrack playing in my head. I have the remote to that soundtrack and I can switch stations whenever I want. There are particular songs that I play in my head that help me feel peaceful or calm or loving or generous or sensitive or, on the flip side, angry, combative, vengeful. You know what I mean? You have these too? Most of us do, I think. I use that music in my head. When I am tempted to fight, I flip a switch and turn on some internal music that either expresses that anger for me (here's an example - "No Bad News" by Patty Griffin. Awesome song. I turn that song up loud in my car on really really bad days when I feel like I might explode - and I explode into that song and wail it out!! and am much the better for it - without doing anybody harm!! 'cept maybe my poor ear drums!) or soothes that anger down (here's another example - "One Love" by Bob Marley, or from Playing for Change. "Let's get together and feel alright" or "Imagine" by John Lennon. "Imagine all the people living life in peace"). It might sound crazy. It might sound meaningless to you. But it works for me. Try it. Turn those songs on in your head and see what happens. If you don't have the right one, go looking for it. It's a powerful tool.

Gratitude has saved my life.

Service has saved my life. I wish that the Feds would give everybody a tax break for doing service work. Like you do some service work, you get a receipt from wherever or whomever, and you attach it to your income tax return and you get a 2% tax deduction or something like that. Plant trees around a local park, build trails on the Appalachian Trail, serve mashed potatoes at a local soup kitchen or bag groceries at a local food bank, write letters to an orphan in Somalia, volunteer to read to a kindergarten class, mow your elderly neighbors' lawn, clean cages for the Humane Society. There's a lot out there to be done. Big and small. Might be life changing. May just be something to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon. But helping others helps me. Helping others takes me out of my little solitary world and opens me up to the blessings that I have and puts my world into perspective.

Prayer is powerful. And it works. When I moved to the Eastern Shore in 2006, I rented this great big old farmhouse. It was beautiful and I loved it there. But the nights could be painfully long. The house made so many sounds and popped and creaked and groaned in the wind. I was sometimes quite spooked. And my peace seemed to run away and hide under the bed. Sleep was elusive. I found there were nights that I could not remember the 23rd Psalm, though I had learned it by heart when I was just a little thing. Sometimes I would simply say, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." Period. That was it. That's all my mind would let me remember. And so that became a mantra and a prayer and I would repeat it over and over. And peace would come stealin' over me, slowly, gently. And I would feel my heart slow down. And the popping and creaking and groaning of the house would fade into an ambient sound that did not startle me. And I would float on that prayer into a peaceful state where thoughts came clearly and my voice, the voice of my heart, would talk directly to my God. And my God would listen. I have to work at finding that place. It does not come easily to me. But I work at it and when I find that place of stillness, I find that talking to my God is as easy as talking to my own mother or my closest friend. And my prayers are a conversation that is left unended, to be continued. The peace that I find when I pray is a peace that stays with me as long as I am willing to acknowledge its presence. Because it is always there. I just only need to remember.

A dog, a cat, a horse, a cow, a bird. Study after study has shown what great benefit there is in having a pet: lower blood pressure, less pain, less chronic disease, higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression. I am a believer. I know it to be true in my own life and in my own house. Sitting quietly, listening to a book on tape, knitting or not knitting, with my dog curled up next to me, leaning against my legs. My vital signs stabilize and then mellow, my muscles relax, my heartaches ease, and everything feels alright. Just touching her soft furry head and listening to her sigh. Wow. What a simple thing.