It's a little after one in the morning. I am at the hospital, waiting on a baby. It's a major part of my life - this waiting. I realized this evening that I've spent a large part of the past fifteen years doing just this - waiting patiently. Sometimes, like tonight, the mom has had some pain medicine and is mostly sleeping through labor, so I am waiting in my little home-away-from-home. Sometimes I wait out at the nurses' station with the nurses, hanging out, telling stories. Lots of times, I wait in the room with the mom and the folks she's asked to be with her. I have learned that my role in that room is a fluid thing and moves in whatever direction the mother and the baby dictate. Sometimes it is an active role, coaching, talking, soothing, coaxing, encouraging mom to sit or stand or turn or walk. Sometimes I just sit quietly, listening, watching, waiting......
I've learned a lot being a midwife. When I think about it, from that perspective, I always feel a bit humbled. Because it's taught me so much. For example, it's from that sitting quietly - just listening, watching, being present - that I've learned the gift of "being with". My friend Cindy told me once that my greatest gift to her as a friend was my ability to just "be with" her in her stuggles - her grief, her heartache, her fear; not trying to change it, not trying to direct it or make it go away, but just being there with it. I learned that from being a midwife. I know that I cannot take the pain away. I can't really even relieve it that much. But I can be there with it, be there with the mom, be the presence that says "let it happen", "trust yourself", "you'll be alright after awhile."
I've learned a lot of patience. One of the things that midwifery has taught me, through experience, is that when I get in a rush and I try to make things happen faster, I generally end up wishing I'd just let things alone to happen on their own time and not mine! And I've found that to be true in my life as well. Trying to hurry things up and make them happen faster, or pass faster, or get done faster - you lose something in that and sometimes you make things a lot harder. So I've learned this great patience as a midwife. And it's overflowed into so many areas of my life. I think about how much I've enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) watching my boys become the people they've become (are becoming). Watching their spirits unfold and take flight. I've tried not to hurry it. Sometimes I worried (and I guess I always will worry for them in the ways that mothers worry - do they have enough to eat? are they happy in their relationships? will they find careers and jobs in which they are happy and fulfilled?), but I didn't try to change the process. I've tried to be patient and let it happen - and they are both such amazing people!!All of the waiting for these little babies I've done has taught me to be alright with the wait. It's worth it.
This patience - it's like the patience of old age, but even more so. I think it's made me patient in a way that's even deeper than that. I find that I am patient about most things. Not only patient, but glad to be so. I can flow with things much easier now than I could even five or ten years ago. Because I do it all the time. Almost every day, I wait and let things happen, and encourage other people to do the same.
It is a miraculous thing watching a baby being born, guiding a baby into this world with your own hands. It really is one of the coolest things I know. I've delivered just under 1500 babies now. Those are just the ones I delivered with my own two hands. There are many more that I took care of in labor that had to be delivered by cesarean. And before I became a midwife, I witnessed many many births in the seven years that I worked as a labor and delivery nurse. It thrills me still! Every time. It is just such a wonderful thing to witness - a new life beginning. And from that, I have learned how amazing we all are. Unique. And perfect in our own way. At the beginning, we are all incredibly beautiful. I haven't seen a single one yet that I didn't think was beautiful.
I know that it is an incredible blessing to love your life's work. I am intensely grateful for that gift. I'm like anybody - I can whine and complain sometimes; I get overly tired and can be pretty bitchy about it; it takes me longer and longer to recover from those all-night waits; and my back complains more now about the work it has to do keeping me up. There are women that I see that frustrate me and some that drive me a little crazy (though less now than even a year ago). I am glad that I chose this path. Even when I am at the hospital at almost 2 in the morning, waiting again, instead of sleeping warm in my own bed. I am still glad I chose this path.
I am missing Daniel and Jacob today. I wish they lived closer and that I could see them every couple of days instead of every couple of months. I am missing my father, too, especially yesterday and today. I miss the sound of his laughter. So I turn to the patience that all these mamas and babies have taught me and rely on its comfort. Soon I'll be in company with my sons and it'll be sweet and warm and fun, as always. And when my time here on this earth is done, my father will be waiting patiently for me on the other side. Time is so very short. I have learned to savor every minute. (The women I take care of in labor would tell me unprintable things if I asked them to savor every minute of labor!).
Savor it. Be grateful for it. It is a beautiful thing.
Peace.
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