Sometimes it's a bitch......

There are some days that I really hate my job. For the most part, I love what I do. I love guiding new life into this world with my own hands and seeing that miracle over and over again. But there are some days and some women that make it so hard. Today is one of those days. It's three o'clock in the morning - Christmas morning - and I was called in to evaluate a woman who is not due until late January. So her baby is still 4+ weeks early. She had her last baby 4 weeks early and that baby ended up in Norfolk with breathing problems. But she doesn't care about that - she told me as much. She wants the baby out. She's tired of being pregnant. She's tired of the backache. She doesn't really care about the consequences to the baby at this point because she can't look beyond her own discomfort. She isn't willing to tolerate the discomfort for the sake of her baby anymore.

I've interacted with this woman before, when the baby was almost two months early, and she wanted it out then. She was very unpleasant then. She's even more so now. She's nineteen years old. This is her third child.

This is something that I don't understand. Can't relate to. This wanting the baby out no matter what harm might come to it. And then the being so nasty to the person who is walking in the room for the sole purpose of taking care of you and your baby. I was in the room less than a minute and she was in my face, angry and confrontational, as if I'm the cause of her problem. I don't understand it. She's not even in labor. If she was in labor, part of that would be very understandable to me. But this is just.........

Ah, well. It's Christmas. Merry Christmas to me. I haven't been to sleep yet. I've been knitting. I'm counting the hours until I am off call. A week off after that. How glorious that'll be. I came to the realization in February of 2005 that working with human beings is not supposed to be easy. There's really not much easy about it. I was worried about being burned out. But I wasn't burned out. I was tired. And I was discouraged by what I saw day in and day out. Angry women bringing children into an angry world - the combination of those two tends to diminish my hope. It's hard. No one ever said it was supposed to be easy. And it's not. When I remember that, I am much more forgiving of myself and my bouts of frustration. I remain very worried about the world around me, but I give myself permission to say, "This is hard work."

God gave me a job to do. I was called to do this work - because it's more than just a job for me. It's a calling. It's what I was meant to do.

I sometimes wish I'd been called to put together appliances and lawnmowers at Lowe's Hardware - at night when the store is closed. I'd get to use tools. I'd get to tinker. It would be quiet. Frustrations would be few and would probably leave when I walked out the door and headed home at the end of my shift. That's what I plan to do in my next career - put together lawnmowers at Lowe's at night.

This midwife thing isn't all bad. I do witness some beautiful births and have women who actually smile when they come in and actually really do want to do what's best for their babies. I still hear angels sometimes when I catch a little one in my hands. When everything is just so. And there is a reverence in the room - then I can hear the angels ushering the little one from one world into another. I used to hear them often. Not so often anymore, but their songs are a gift to me when I do.

I'm going to crawl into the little bed in the call room now and sleep for a couple of hours. I still have presents to wrap, a sweater to finish, packing to do, and an apple pie to bake today.

Merry Christmas, one and all. God bless us every one.
Peace.

The Longest Night.....

.....is over. The longest night is done. Last night the world turned and the scale tipped. Now the day will slowly push back the night. Little by little, the long cold nights will yield to the sunlight of the day. Days will lenghthen. Spring will come. Darkness will go to the other side of the world to linger. I know that we have many more months of cold nights, but the longest night is over and spring will come again soon.

I spent the longest night of the year in my mother's house. Reason enough to celebrate. Sleeping in the room that was once my sister's, the oldest of the five children; then my room when she went away to college. I was fourteen then. Fourteen and finally I had a room of my own. Now it is my mother's sewing room. Her work and her joy is everywhere in the room. I snuggled down in flannel sheets with my dog curled up on her dog bed at my feet. My son Jacob slept soundly in the room next door. All was well in my world. And the longest night passed soundlessly, peacefully, gratefully.

The longest night is over.

Life is good.

It's amazing to me sometimes the way that music speaks to me - or for me. I listen to songs sometimes and think, "He's right there inside my head!". So it's been with Tom Kimmel's music for me in the past couple of weeks. There are several of his songs that I just keep listening to over and over again. What a gift! Here's a part of one of them:

"The hardest hearts still have a tender part

It's all in how you approach them.

But love and war make self-defense an art

They're seldom all you're hopin'.

Still givin' up on love is really not that smart - it's hard out here in the open.

So when it's breakin', baby, don't lose heart

'Cause hearts are bound to be broken."

-----Tom Kimmel, Hearts are Bound to be Broken

I think he was talking to me.

Peace.

Off to the second job

So I just got done at the big house (the hospital), and I'm off to my second job. You know!? The one where I have to do all of that laundry and dishwashing and scrubbing floors and the like. You know?! The one that pays less than minimum wage!

I have company coming on Saturday. My friend Mary Gordon is coming to do a gig with me. So it's time to stop with the procrastinating and get the house cleaned. I thought keeping a house clean with two kids was tough. It's even harder when you live alone with a dog and three cats! I mean - the cats don't care whether the dishes are done today or tomorrow so why should I stress over them?! It's easy - way too easy - to put off the housework detail. You ought to see my sink!!

Nice thing about having company - besides that it's company and fun - is that it motivates me to get that stuff done. So dishes beware - I'm ready!

No babies today. Worked on one all day, but she's going to come on Dr. John's watch. I got some knitting done. Sat in the quiet of the call room. No clinic today. The satellite is out on the TV so there was none to watch. I actually kind of like that. I don't have TV at home. Well, one channel, full of snow! I joined Netflix - which is absolutely awesome, by the way!! - and spend as much time on their website as I do watching the movies! I've seen some good ones. I've also seen some not so great ones, but that's okay. It's been so fun watching them. Me in the big chair, under my heavy duty, winter sleeping bag!

Gotta go! Dishes are calling.
Peace.
And happy holidays and all that hooey!

Shortcomings........

I have a lot of shortcomings. No, this isn't a confessional - it's my own musings about my shortcomings and the way that I see them weaving threads throughout my life. I think I could write a novel about my shortcomings - they're familiar enough, I think, to many of us. No one is perfect, I understand that, and everyone walking this planet has a basket full of shortcomings that spill out across their lives from time to time (or in my case, on most days, whether I want them to or not!!). So here are a few of mine:

1. I am stubborn as hell. But how would I have gotten through nursing school with a nursing baby, a four-year-old and a night shift nursing assistant job OR graduate school with a first grader, a fifth grader, a full time nursing job, and a husband with a favorite past-time of laying on the couch - without being stubborn as hell!! I was going to get through it - and nobody was going to stop me!! And thank God I did!! I think about all those babies I would have missed guiding into this world with my own hands. What a sorrow that would have been, had I not been stubborn enough to see what it was I wanted and went for it!!

2. I am still somewhat naive. Yeah, I am. I admit it. But it keeps me from being completely bitter about things. It keeps me working at things that I probably should have given up long since. It gives me just enough of a set of blinders that I will still believe "I promise......" in my heart when my head says not to. Being naive fits right in with being stubborn - if I want it, I'll reach out and get it without the slightest fear of how hard it might be or how bad it might hurt if it doesn't work - I will just believe. I am not near as naive as I used to be, though. And that's brought about the next shortcoming----

3. I am jaded in many ways. Particularly when it comes to relationships between men and women, or just when it comes to men in general. But I am not completely jaded. I still try sometimes, though not as long and hard as I used. I used to feel completely terrible about being jaded - guilty as hell, in fact. Like I had no right to be jaded. I have come to realize, though, that I have good damn reason to be jaded!! (If you'd like to hear some of the stories....) and that part of that jaded-ness serves to protect me. Pushes me to listen to my gut more. I'm bad to not listen to my gut. My gut has never been wrong - so I don't know why I don't listen to it. Maybe it's being naive (or wanting to be naive anyway).

4. I have learned to be solitary and to take care of myself. How would I have ever survived otherwise??!! I would not have. I would have curled up and given in. I would have done so many more things that were wrong for me, self-destructive, damaging. I would have given up on my own dreams! Sometimes, people get frustrated with me because I am so damn self-reliant that I forget that there are other people there, right there, who want to help out. I just go ahead and do it myself. That's not my not wanting the help - truly it is not - it's just force of habit. I just forget.

5. I am a dreamer. OOOOH yeah!! BIG dreamer. But, if I can't dream it, it ain't gonna happen! I dream all of the time. My imagination saves me from loneliness. I love my dreams. And I hold on to those dreams because they are the light at the end of the tunnel; they are the buffer against the day-to-day struggle of my life; they are an inner joy and calm when the whole friggin' world is going crazy! I have lots of dreams. And I don't want to let them go. Some of them will die a natural death, I know. Some of them will stay in my heart for years, even as my brain comes to realize that I will never achieve them. What kind of dreams? I dream about doing mission work in Guatemala and in Africa - medical mission work, where I'm actually doing something that I can do to make a little, bitty, tiny difference in the suffering in the world beyond the suffering I see everyday here on the Eastern Shore. I dream about walking across the country of England. I dream about going back to Ireland. About seeing Italy. About making another record. About holding my own grandchild, wet and new to the world.

6. I am terrible at relationships. Not with friends. At the male-female kind of relationship. And not male-female friendship!! I've got good, solid friendships with men! I am just terrible at the other kind. That's a hard thing to accept about one's self. But I am honest in this one. I'm not good at them. I want to be in control. I want to come and go. I want to hold on to myself and give myself away at the same time - which just can't be done!! It just doesn't work that way. But, by god!!, I'll try it every time. It's like beating my head against the wall! I keep trying it. Because I'm so damned stubborn! Because I'm naive enough to believe that it can happen. Because I'm jaded enough to believe (with all of myself!!) that losing oneself in a relationship is about as unhealthy a thing to do as one can do. Because I am a dreamer! Because I don't want to let go of my dreams. But also because I dream sometimes about finding that person - that one person I've dreamed about all my life - who will see me and say, "wow! she's just like me". Who will let me go and welcome me back. Who will talk about his own dreams with a glow that comes just from having them!! Who will think that mission work in Guatemala is important enough that he'd be behind it, 100%, even though it meant my going away and coming back again, who would cherish me just like I am, shortcomings and all, who would take what I have to offer and hold it dear!! And love me for it!

7. As a final shortcoming (and believe me, I have many many more - but I can only handle some many of them at a time!!), I ADORE my children!! No, it's not really a shortcoming. Just something that some folks don't understand. I think my kids are two of the finest people I have ever known. I see them and I think they are so beautiful!! I talk to them and I wonder how in the hell they got to be so smart!! Both of them are brilliant!! (They really are!! Their minds are amazing!) Maybe, someone might misconstrue my love for my kids as an inability to let go. But it isn't that. Hell, I could have gotten a job in Chapel Hill and lived right there where Jacob was in college. And might have considered it, too, if I hadn't seen the wisdom in "letting go". I came here to the Eastern Shore, by myself, instead. I don't want to ever go a long time without being with them. I don't want to NOT talk to them every chance I get, every day if possible! I don't want to NOT be close to them - very close now as one adult to another and less mother-son. It's not because I can't let go. It's because they are wonderful people. And they add so much to my life. Period. That's it. They are not just my sons - they are very cool people. Buena gente, as they'd say in Spanish. And all of us need good people in our lives.

Peace.

This is how I feel

This is how I feel today!! Pretty much felt like this yesterday, too. Sometimes the stress of it can get to you. Sometimes it gets to the people around you and then it gets to you through them and they really get on your nerves because you really got on their nerves and all you were doing was being. Or they might chew your ass out and leave you feeling like it's best not to sit down for awhile. Yeah, that's it! That's how I feel. Like it's best if I don't sit down for awhile. Mostly, though, I'd just like to scream. Really loud. One of those primordal screams that comes from the root of a person. Yeah, that's it. A really really loud scream.