Saturday, November 12, 2011

Catching up on thanksgivings!

It's amazing how quickly time can get away from a person. When I least expect it, I catch my breath and realize a whole week has passed, then just as quickly, a whole month turns into months turns into years. My grandmother, who was a very wise woman, always told me not to rush any single stage of my children's lives or my own because before I knew it - like a blink! - they would be past and gone and I'd be wishing for time to slow down. She was very right. I am a week behind on my thanksgivings, but I remember then, day for day, and so I will take the time now to catch them up.

I have been quite sad the past couple of days, with sinking spirits and low, weak energy. I am struggling with coming to terms with, for lack of a better word, disappointment. I am still processing the great disappointment I have suffered this past year with the ending of my marriage and the realization that the man I married was not the man I had come to know but someone else entirely. I am not anywhere near done the work I need to do to move on. I am still a long ways away from forgiveness. Slowly, in little pieces, I process what I can handle and otherwise keep my head down and keep moving through daily life. I am working through another disappointment. Newer. And I feel sore and tired. When you hold someone in great esteem and then discover that your ideal of them is not the reality of them, the disappointment can feel like the ground under your feet has suddenly started shifting and cracking and lurching away from what feels safe. So it is for me in the past year.

I share all this because I have learned that when the ground beneath my feet is unsteady and uncertain, working at turning the focus of my heart and my spirit and my energy toward those things that remain solid and steady and continue to bless me - those things will hold on and be the ever-present safety net that will not let me hit ground from which I cannot rise: my children, my mother, my brothers and sisters, my faith, and my undying hope that someday I will fully understand and accept the lessons that I am meant to learn. With that so much in my mind, I want to start catching up with my blessings: last Saturday and each day this past week.

Saturday, November 5: I slowly cleaned my house today. In bits and pieces spread out across the day, I worked little by little to pretty up the environment that I call home. I am grateful for all the pictures I have in my house - all over the house. They remind me of the life I have lived and the love that I have been able to give and have been so fortunate to have had in return. Pictures of my great-grandparents when they were young. And of my great-grandmother in the later years of her life - oh! how she could tell a story! Pictures of my grandparents on their honeymoon and later with my children. Pictures of my children: Daniel in his kindergarten graduation get-up, his lifelong friend Justin with his mischievous grin smiling behind him; Jacob swinging on a rope swing in New Zealand; Daniel and his beautiful wife, Tiggy smiling at one another; Jacob and Daniel when they were little, hugging one another; my brothers and sisters and me when we were little and all dressed up in our matching Easter outfits; my father with my two sisters at my cousin Carrie's wedding, smiling and so happy; my whole huge family and extended family at my niece, Jennifer's, wedding; Daniel and Jacob in May the weekend that Daniel graduated from UNC-W and Jacob graduated from Wake Forest (on the same day!!); my sweet little mama and Jacob at Jacob's UNC graduation in May of 2010; my friend Bobbi and me up at the "old house" at the foot of Roan Mountain; my friend Cindy and I sitting on a rock by the river across from her house in Tryon; one of my patients and her new baby and her husband and me, all grinning up at the camera just a short while after I delivered that baby into this world............ I have lots and lots of pictures. They are visual reminders that I am a very lucky woman. And I am grateful for that reminder. Not just in these days when I am not feeling so lucky, but always.

Sunday, November 6: I hiked up to the top of Elk Knob today with Dan. Elk Knob State Park is not far from where I live and I have been wanting to get up there and see if I could indeed make it to the top. I wore a knee brace, pulled tight, and did not try to rush it. There was an open understanding that it was okay for me to turn back whenever I wanted or needed. The trail is only 1.8 miles but it sure felt longer. (Yes, I am very out of shape). Baby came along for the hike, too, and was busy taking in all of the millions of smells that dogs process every second, even when they're moving. It was a beautiful day. And, when I reached the summit, I was absolutely elated!! It's pretty darn incredible up there. You can see Mount Rogers up in Virginia, Roan Mountain over in Tennessee, Grandfather Mountain, Mount Mitchell, and the South Mountains way off in the distance. The sign at the top said that on a clear day, you can see Pilot Mountain from up there, way down by Winston-Salem. I couldn't quite make it out, but an older gentleman up there said he thought he could. It was breathtaking. The hike down hurt a lot. My knee does not handle "down" very well. But it didn't give. And it saw me all the way back to the car. I was reminded of my younger years and all the time that Dan and I spent hiking the mountains, camping, backpacking, rock climbing. I am grateful for this old body and the way it saw me through today. And I am grateful for a friendship that has lasted through 33 years and has survived much loss (grandparents, then each a parent, friends), divorce and remarriage for each of us and each another divorce, financial hardships, and all the curve balls that life will slam at you from time-to-time. It is the mutual adoration for our two children that has kept our friendship intact and allowed us to forgive each other our short-comings and accept each other for who we are, as we are. I am deeply grateful for that.

Monday, November 7: I am limping today and sore from yesterday's hike. I have moved slowly all day, guarding each step and trying to stay mindful of how I put my foot down before I put weight on this messed up knee. I am very ready for sleep and think that I will not be up too late. My Baby-girl as I call her, the sweet lab mutt that I adopted 5 years ago, is very patient with my slow moving. She sits close to me and sighs. Her presence is a balm against the loneliness that I might feel where it not for her company. She is a warm and calm energy. I love her dearly. She sat by the bathtub while I soaked my swollen knee and watched me closely to assure herself that I was alright. I believe what they say about the healing power of animals. She heals me every day. My traveling companion and my sounding board, she never disagrees with all my rantings (though she sometimes closes her eyes and drifts off in boredom if I go on too long!). She was a blessing to my life when I moved to Virginia and found myself hours away from friends and family, in a place unknown, on my own. She has continued to be a blessing. Thank you, God, for sending her to me when I needed her.

Tuesday, November 8: I am worse today. I had a long talk with my mom and was trying so hard not to whine, but whine I did. At least for a little while. My mama only lets you whine for so long! The ache in my knee worked its way out and up into my hips and groin and into the big muscles of my body. I am feverish and feel like I am getting the flu. I know this will pass. It is just part of it. My mom and I talked for a long time about depression. In our talks, she helps me remember non-medicinal ways to fight it, beat it, work with it, manage. My mother is a very special woman. Especially when I am hurting, I am so grateful to just hear her voice. I am blessed by her wisdom, her love, and her example. Thank you, Mom, for that special Mom touch you have. Even over the phone, its healing power is one of the most powerful things I know in this life. I love you.

Wednesday, November 9: Home during lunch for a 30 minute nap and a nap at the end of the workday before supper. I am grateful for napping. I would not have survived nigh on 16 years in practice without that skill. I learned it when I was small, came to depend on it when I had babies, and trust it to see me through another 10 years or so of baby catching.

More later. I still have Thursday, Friday and today to go. I'll get there.

Peace all.

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